Friday, May 13, 2011
The End.
I have decided to start a new blog. I'll leave this as a time capsule of sorts and I'm so glad I started this writing exercise, but I don't need to stay here. I have made a conscious decision to move on in my everyday life, and that should be reflected in my blog, too. Thanks for coming along for the ride. It's been real.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Motherlover
No Mother's Day is complete without this song:
My mom ran into one of my high school teachers the other day and he told her that she did a good job raising me. That was nice of him to say, and I guess that's the reason why an unusual number of my mentors in recent years (professors, co-workers at Momentum) have requested to meet my parents. I always thought it was strange, like maybe they wanted to see if they were "normal," but now I think maybe they just wanted to...almost thank them, in some way? (They were all parents, too.) It's a tough job. The nature vs. nurture debate is ongoing and I think both play a role, but I also think that nurturing/encouraging good character heavily influences what parts/how much of "nature" takes over, if that makes sense--not to say that negligence (nature over nurture) can't motivate good character, it's just that it doesn't seem as common. Your parents could be saints, but if they don't teach you how they got there, you probably won't become a saint just by association.
Anyway, I guess my parents did do a good job, but I sure didn't make it easy on my mom. We're both stubborn, independent and opinionated, so it was probably some kind of power struggle. Most of it probably centered around the fact that she didn't let me do whatever I wanted all the time (like some other parents did), and "looking out for me" translated to "too controlling." I needed to know her reasons for everything, and deep down I knew she was probably right--just don't tell her I said that. ;) I think I had an appropriate amount of control and guidance, though, and now I thank her for that. I appreciate her much more now that I realize how much she has taught me and done for me.
I think she had a good Mother's Day. I had my mom, dad, and sister over for dinner and I made pasta, garlic bread, and salad. I should do stuff like that more often, but I need people to cook for because cooking for myself is a waste of time. I'll just eat whatever I have time to eat, just so I don't starve. Cooking should be my next hobby, though. It's not that I can't cook, it's that I haven't been motivated to do it. If other people enjoy and appreciate it, that's enough. Cooking has just never been a priority.
After dinner we all played Just Dance 2, the best Wii game ever! My mom was a natural. My dad was hilarious. We caught my neighbor sitting on his porch and watching me from across the street. Eww. My neighbor across the street and the neighbor next door are both watching me a little too closely, I would say. I've been talking about putting in real curtains here for months, but this is another reason to do that now. For some reason, my aunt's house only has sheer curtains, which are pretty pointless. One of the perks of living alone should be walking around at least partially naked, right? Not with transparent curtains and creepy neighbors. They take "looking out for me" to a whole different level. Sometimes, it really is a bad thing.
My mom ran into one of my high school teachers the other day and he told her that she did a good job raising me. That was nice of him to say, and I guess that's the reason why an unusual number of my mentors in recent years (professors, co-workers at Momentum) have requested to meet my parents. I always thought it was strange, like maybe they wanted to see if they were "normal," but now I think maybe they just wanted to...almost thank them, in some way? (They were all parents, too.) It's a tough job. The nature vs. nurture debate is ongoing and I think both play a role, but I also think that nurturing/encouraging good character heavily influences what parts/how much of "nature" takes over, if that makes sense--not to say that negligence (nature over nurture) can't motivate good character, it's just that it doesn't seem as common. Your parents could be saints, but if they don't teach you how they got there, you probably won't become a saint just by association.
Anyway, I guess my parents did do a good job, but I sure didn't make it easy on my mom. We're both stubborn, independent and opinionated, so it was probably some kind of power struggle. Most of it probably centered around the fact that she didn't let me do whatever I wanted all the time (like some other parents did), and "looking out for me" translated to "too controlling." I needed to know her reasons for everything, and deep down I knew she was probably right--just don't tell her I said that. ;) I think I had an appropriate amount of control and guidance, though, and now I thank her for that. I appreciate her much more now that I realize how much she has taught me and done for me.
I think she had a good Mother's Day. I had my mom, dad, and sister over for dinner and I made pasta, garlic bread, and salad. I should do stuff like that more often, but I need people to cook for because cooking for myself is a waste of time. I'll just eat whatever I have time to eat, just so I don't starve. Cooking should be my next hobby, though. It's not that I can't cook, it's that I haven't been motivated to do it. If other people enjoy and appreciate it, that's enough. Cooking has just never been a priority.
After dinner we all played Just Dance 2, the best Wii game ever! My mom was a natural. My dad was hilarious. We caught my neighbor sitting on his porch and watching me from across the street. Eww. My neighbor across the street and the neighbor next door are both watching me a little too closely, I would say. I've been talking about putting in real curtains here for months, but this is another reason to do that now. For some reason, my aunt's house only has sheer curtains, which are pretty pointless. One of the perks of living alone should be walking around at least partially naked, right? Not with transparent curtains and creepy neighbors. They take "looking out for me" to a whole different level. Sometimes, it really is a bad thing.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
One more thing
Okay, I'm almost done with my political rantings (for now...hey, I've been apolitical on here for a while), but someone posted this to Facebook and I totally agree. I left out in the last post that, if this mission had gone wrong, there's no question that Obama would have gotten all the blame. I'm not even expecting him to get all the credit, just a little bit. Bush can't take this one. (I tend to think Bush would have decided to bomb the shit out of the place, for one.) Instead of sharing it on Facebook and assaulting everyone's news feed, I'm posting it here! Lucky you.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Political reflections
It's hard to believe that bin Laden is dead. I feel strange about it. I guess "somber relief," as described in this article, is the best way to describe it. It doesn't bring back the thousands of innocent lives that were lost on his account, but maybe it brings some kind of closure. Maybe it means that the deaths of thousands of soldiers in the resulting war were not in vain. It's hard for me to rejoice at someone's murder, though, even if it's the murder of someone that evil. I keep thinking "an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." I'm nervous about what comes next. We've been chasing this...fear for so long, and taking out the figurehead will not make it go away. Hopefully, it will make it harder for them to organize and gain a following. Maybe it will serve as a lesson to other terrorists that America will prevail. Do I feel patriotic? Eh, once I reflect on how we got here, not particularly. This was supposed to be our goal 9 1/2 years ago, but it seems like we took a few too many detours, lost a few too many additional lives, and spent too much money on military attacks, at our own expense. I hope this is the end of an era, though.
I was patriotic after 9/11. It was great to see Americans pull together and help each other. I even liked George W. Bush and appreciated his resolve, right up until we went to Iraq. For me, it was all downhill from there. Yes, I'm glad Saddam is gone, but in many ways I think our attack on Iraq hurt us more than it helped us. I think it even recruited more people to the terrorists' cause. We got rid of the only "stability" the Iraqis knew and left many of them without jobs and basic necessities, but still expected them to welcome us as liberators. It seemed like we went in without an exit strategy. Remember how Rumsfeld predicted it would take "six days, six weeks, I doubt six months?" How did they get it so terribly wrong? The reasons for going to Iraq still do not sit well with me. I still think we decided to go there because of unfinished business from the previous Bush administration, and I've never heard a strong case against that theory. Our efforts were misguided, to say the least, and our original intention (kill bin Laden, the real person behind the 9/11 attacks) got lost in the shuffle until we gained a fresh perspective from new people. What's done is done, though.
The affect Osama's death will have on terrorist groups and people the world over remains to be seen, but he has definitely been the face of terrorism for the past decade. Removing him is a good start--and hopefully, at least a fatal blow to al Qaeda. I heard on NPR that confirming affiliation with bin Laden had been vital to recruitment. Already, the push for democracy in Egypt and other middle eastern countries is promising, and they're doing it without our direct "help." Some people are always going to hate us, though. I guess this whole thing (starting with Bush) sends the message that we will do what it takes to defeat them.
My greatest short-term hope at the moment, though, is that this will encourage both democrats and republicans to actually work together. Republicans have spent this whole time trying to make Obama out to be un-American (literally) and weak on terrorism, and here his administration is the one executing their original plan. Didn't a democratic administration handle this the same way they hoped a competent republican administration would have? How do they explain this away? Can you imagine how much credit they would give the president if he happened to be republican? (Am I asking too many rhetorical questions, and are they all rhetorical?) Some of them are already attributing it to Bush, anyway. Never mind that he sent us on a wild goose chase first and left before tying up the loose ends--or that bin Laden might have been in that complex in Pakistan for 5 years while we were fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, or that the tips came from his courier and not tortured prisoners.
Note that when I refer to the presidents themselves, though, I am mostly referring to their administration. I am very aware that it was a team effort and that we had excellent intelligence and troops, but Obama called the final shots and took a HUGE risk, probably in the same way that Bush took a risk with the intelligence and sent us to war. The difference is, this plan was thorough and smart enough to work. We don't blame the military when a bad plan doesn't work (like Iraq), so it's a double standard to give them all the credit when a good plan does work (like Osama). Can't we even give this administration credit for that? I don't understand. If the only thing we had to do was ask Special Forces to take care of bin Laden, Bush should have done it nine years ago, or at least at some point during the seven years he was in charge after 9/11.
All I know is that conservatives will have to come up with a different spin on why Obama is such a terrible President. The whole "weak on terrorists/lacking patriotism" rhetoric won't quite work anymore. Hasn't fear-mongering and attacking Obama been their main platform? I remember right after Obama was elected, my super conservative friend told me that bin Laden came out with a video congratulating Obama (of course, it was hearsay from her dad). I never found that video, and believe me, I looked for it. (That was the first and last time we talked about politics, especially since she said liberals were dumber than conservatives--present company excluded, of course. I actually tend to believe our differences lie in our priorities and motivations.)
I am not as gung ho about Obama as I used to be, but I still believe in many of his ideals. On some level, some of those ideals are alive in all of us. It's hard to break through the....well, politics, and do something about it, especially when half of the group is already determined to reject everything you propose. I think he truly has the country's best interests in mind, though, even though I don't agree with everything that he does. In fact, I would even say W. himself had mostly good intentions, but his cronies were bumbling, self-interested idiots (who were smart marketers, I'll give them that). Maybe all of this will make us pause and remember that we must set aside our differences to achieve a common goal. Pouting when we don't get our way and refusing to work together only keep us in a counter-productive gridlock. Osama is a modern-day Hitler, not Obama--or anyone else in American politics, for that matter. Some of us (Americans) got too caught up in our own imaginary bullshit and fear of the unknown. Now I'm waiting to see what's next and hoping that it ultimately fosters more peace than war across the globe.
I was patriotic after 9/11. It was great to see Americans pull together and help each other. I even liked George W. Bush and appreciated his resolve, right up until we went to Iraq. For me, it was all downhill from there. Yes, I'm glad Saddam is gone, but in many ways I think our attack on Iraq hurt us more than it helped us. I think it even recruited more people to the terrorists' cause. We got rid of the only "stability" the Iraqis knew and left many of them without jobs and basic necessities, but still expected them to welcome us as liberators. It seemed like we went in without an exit strategy. Remember how Rumsfeld predicted it would take "six days, six weeks, I doubt six months?" How did they get it so terribly wrong? The reasons for going to Iraq still do not sit well with me. I still think we decided to go there because of unfinished business from the previous Bush administration, and I've never heard a strong case against that theory. Our efforts were misguided, to say the least, and our original intention (kill bin Laden, the real person behind the 9/11 attacks) got lost in the shuffle until we gained a fresh perspective from new people. What's done is done, though.
The affect Osama's death will have on terrorist groups and people the world over remains to be seen, but he has definitely been the face of terrorism for the past decade. Removing him is a good start--and hopefully, at least a fatal blow to al Qaeda. I heard on NPR that confirming affiliation with bin Laden had been vital to recruitment. Already, the push for democracy in Egypt and other middle eastern countries is promising, and they're doing it without our direct "help." Some people are always going to hate us, though. I guess this whole thing (starting with Bush) sends the message that we will do what it takes to defeat them.
My greatest short-term hope at the moment, though, is that this will encourage both democrats and republicans to actually work together. Republicans have spent this whole time trying to make Obama out to be un-American (literally) and weak on terrorism, and here his administration is the one executing their original plan. Didn't a democratic administration handle this the same way they hoped a competent republican administration would have? How do they explain this away? Can you imagine how much credit they would give the president if he happened to be republican? (Am I asking too many rhetorical questions, and are they all rhetorical?) Some of them are already attributing it to Bush, anyway. Never mind that he sent us on a wild goose chase first and left before tying up the loose ends--or that bin Laden might have been in that complex in Pakistan for 5 years while we were fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, or that the tips came from his courier and not tortured prisoners.
Note that when I refer to the presidents themselves, though, I am mostly referring to their administration. I am very aware that it was a team effort and that we had excellent intelligence and troops, but Obama called the final shots and took a HUGE risk, probably in the same way that Bush took a risk with the intelligence and sent us to war. The difference is, this plan was thorough and smart enough to work. We don't blame the military when a bad plan doesn't work (like Iraq), so it's a double standard to give them all the credit when a good plan does work (like Osama). Can't we even give this administration credit for that? I don't understand. If the only thing we had to do was ask Special Forces to take care of bin Laden, Bush should have done it nine years ago, or at least at some point during the seven years he was in charge after 9/11.
All I know is that conservatives will have to come up with a different spin on why Obama is such a terrible President. The whole "weak on terrorists/lacking patriotism" rhetoric won't quite work anymore. Hasn't fear-mongering and attacking Obama been their main platform? I remember right after Obama was elected, my super conservative friend told me that bin Laden came out with a video congratulating Obama (of course, it was hearsay from her dad). I never found that video, and believe me, I looked for it. (That was the first and last time we talked about politics, especially since she said liberals were dumber than conservatives--present company excluded, of course. I actually tend to believe our differences lie in our priorities and motivations.)
I am not as gung ho about Obama as I used to be, but I still believe in many of his ideals. On some level, some of those ideals are alive in all of us. It's hard to break through the....well, politics, and do something about it, especially when half of the group is already determined to reject everything you propose. I think he truly has the country's best interests in mind, though, even though I don't agree with everything that he does. In fact, I would even say W. himself had mostly good intentions, but his cronies were bumbling, self-interested idiots (who were smart marketers, I'll give them that). Maybe all of this will make us pause and remember that we must set aside our differences to achieve a common goal. Pouting when we don't get our way and refusing to work together only keep us in a counter-productive gridlock. Osama is a modern-day Hitler, not Obama--or anyone else in American politics, for that matter. Some of us (Americans) got too caught up in our own imaginary bullshit and fear of the unknown. Now I'm waiting to see what's next and hoping that it ultimately fosters more peace than war across the globe.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
My corner of the world
The fact that I'm writing a post almost makes it seem like I have time for this. Well, I'll just shave off some time from sleeping. That's what weekends are for...well, not Sundays because of taiko...okay, that's what Saturdays are for. This Saturday I'm volunteering to help with tornado clean-up, but I don't have to get up early for that.
Anyway, I don't have an overarching theme or idea for this post, so I'm just going back to my trusty bulleted list of things I've been thinking about:
Anyway, I don't have an overarching theme or idea for this post, so I'm just going back to my trusty bulleted list of things I've been thinking about:
- I am almost sure that I'm allergic to mold. This non-stop rain has been killing me.
- The royal wedding is on in the middle of the night, thank God. Then I can stop hearing about it, right? It's everywhere, and I'm not really sure why. I'm curious about what Kate's dress will look like and that's about it. I'm betting that marrying a prince is not all it's cracked up to be. Better her than me.
- We should get back to the important news, like Obama's long-form birth certificate. It turns out he's legitimately American...but probably still a socialist muslim, so does the birth certificate mean anything? (I'm kidding, of course.) It seems like all this fodder has more to do with his race than his agenda, and it makes me sick.
- I just remembered that I used to refer to most "black" people as "brown" when I was a kid, unless their skin was really dark. I would just use it to point out a particular person, in the same way I would call someone "blond." I didn't know that there were categories, and that was nice.
- If I could ask an evangelical republican any question, it would be: "If you take the abortion issue off the table completely, do you think Jesus would be a democrat or republican? Why?" I just wonder what part of The Bible recommends the "trickle down effect" or that "each man for himself" mentality, for example. I honestly can't figure out how they relate, and I don't know if I will ever see it.
- On an unrelated note, plans for Peru are finally nailed down! I can't believe I leave in a month. Macchu Picchu, the Nazca Lines, Lima, Cuzco, some islands...this would not have happened if it was up to me to take the initiative. I did a bit of research and we are going through a travel agent, but I feel like I'm basically tagging along. That's okay, it sounds fun, anyway. We landed on South America because there are more active things to do (hiking, doonbuggies, water-related things) than say, walking around Europe. I'll go back to Europe later.
- I will go back to Europe. I don't say things I don't mean.
- For the record, I do not cuddle with or do anything more than hug my guy friends, and that applies to this trip. Things are going too well with Mick to chance it on something with absolutely no future. I'm not the kind of girl to blame bad decisions on being drunk, either. I tend to think that's just an excuse to do something you didn't want to take responsibility for when you were sober.
- Mick's intuition rivals mine, and he's picked up on more facets of my personality in 3 months than some people have in 3 years. I was going to tell you about something we planned to talk about tomorrow, but you'll probably gag. :-P I will say that "I can take down my walls around you..." (plus reasons why) is one of the most perfect things anyone could say to me, and he had no idea how hard I fought and ultimately lost that battle before. I think transparency--being comfortable with vulnerability, sincere and open--is a large part of the foundation in any solid relationship.
- I think I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping the ghosts of the past away, but some (mean, careless) comments still seep into consciousness. I try to just briefly acknowledge them, let them go, and breathe a sigh of relief. It seems to do a good job of erasing the words, and then I'm just left with a sense of...well, I think it's forgiveness and sympathy, actually. How strange.
- I've been operating on a level that I didn't even know that I could, in terms of almost everything. I feel inspired.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Tornado Awareness
My family went to look at the damage a little yesterday, the parts we were allowed to see up close. The airport (and damage) is actually 1.5 miles from my house, too! Closer than I thought. You can see some of the Bridgeton damage from 70. Before, the houses were mostly hidden by the trees, but now, most of those trees are gone. Huge trees. I used to look at Christmas lights in that neighborhood with my family every year, too. I can't imagine losing everything that quickly. Next time I have to go to the basement for a storm, I am bringing my purse. At least then I will know where to start if something like that happens, God forbid.
I get the sense that even a lot of St. Louisans still don't know what happened. They know there was a tornado somewhere North-ish, sure, but unless they watched the news and saw the leveled houses, I'm not sure they realize this was the worst tornado to hit St. Louis since 1967. It was also the first EF4 in the country so far this year (stay tuned). Tornadoes don't usually hit cities--my cousin with a meteorology degree said that usually the air is too dry, so the worst of the storms go around it. I'm still amazed that no one was really even hurt.
I'm writing about it again because it hits close to home, quite literally. I know more people than I thought in those neighborhoods. There are also some businesses at the Rock Road and 70 that are practically gone. Somehow, an old abandoned house/business is practically untouched, while most of the newer buildings around it are in pieces. The cars in the car dealership were not moved, yet the boats, RVs, airplanes (?) on the storage lot next to it are jumbled together in parts. The digital billboard is down. It's very strange how the tornado seemed to pick and choose what parts to destroy and what parts to leave.
My sister and mom are looking for opportunities to help. As my sister said, she's terrified of tornadoes and she's glad she wasn't in it, so she wants to help those who were. If they go on a weekend, I'll join them, but if it's a weekday I can't. I guess we can help pick up debris, there's so much of it.
I get the sense that even a lot of St. Louisans still don't know what happened. They know there was a tornado somewhere North-ish, sure, but unless they watched the news and saw the leveled houses, I'm not sure they realize this was the worst tornado to hit St. Louis since 1967. It was also the first EF4 in the country so far this year (stay tuned). Tornadoes don't usually hit cities--my cousin with a meteorology degree said that usually the air is too dry, so the worst of the storms go around it. I'm still amazed that no one was really even hurt.
I'm writing about it again because it hits close to home, quite literally. I know more people than I thought in those neighborhoods. There are also some businesses at the Rock Road and 70 that are practically gone. Somehow, an old abandoned house/business is practically untouched, while most of the newer buildings around it are in pieces. The cars in the car dealership were not moved, yet the boats, RVs, airplanes (?) on the storage lot next to it are jumbled together in parts. The digital billboard is down. It's very strange how the tornado seemed to pick and choose what parts to destroy and what parts to leave.
My sister and mom are looking for opportunities to help. As my sister said, she's terrified of tornadoes and she's glad she wasn't in it, so she wants to help those who were. If they go on a weekend, I'll join them, but if it's a weekday I can't. I guess we can help pick up debris, there's so much of it.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Too close for comfort
That crude sketch at the top shows approximately how close my house (B) was to the areas hit the hardest by last night's tornado, Harmann Estates in Bridgeton and the airport. There are about 4 miles between the tornado icons. I was about 2.5 miles from both. Houses were leveled from what I think has been classified as an F4 (when it hit Harmann Estates, above). It's hard to believe.
I was watching the news and I heard them say there was at least a funnel cloud at Page and 94. Then Dorsett and 270. Heading toward St. Ann. Finally, I went to the basement. It veered slightly north, just enough to miss us. I am lucky. My whole family is lucky. The weird part is, that was by no means the worst storm I had ever been through. It didn't even seem like it was raining that hard. We didn't even get hail.
My sister drove from Lindenwood to her job on the Rock Road this morning, and she said it was much worse than she expected. In the light of day, I think it was much worse than most people expected. I haven't driven the Rock Road toward 70 yet, but apparently a few business were leveled there, too. The highway sign is wrapped around a tree. I think I'm going to take a drive in that general vicinity with my family tomorrow, at my sister's request. I'm bracing myself now. You always see that stuff on tv, but I imagine it has more impact when you see it in person just down the street. Those peoples' lives changed in a matter of minutes, even seconds. I know someone whose roof and back wall of the house was torn off.
A couple of my friends called to check on me, which was really nice. Both of them were former roommates, one who lives out of town and one that I hadn't even talked to in a while. I was pleasantly surprised, but to be honest, after I heard from them I kind of wondered why I didn't hear from anyone else. Spoiled, I guess. Maybe no one knew I was that close? Sure, let's go with that. Anyway, I am fine. I don't know why, but I think there are more tornadoes like that in store for us this year. (Well, the end of the world comes any day now, I think, right?) Maybe tornadoes are like lightning in that they don't really strike the same place twice? I mean, I was close enough. It should bother someone else next time. Sure, let's go with that.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Yay, hippies!
It's Monday already? I was hoping the weekend wouldn't end. Oh well, at least I'm off on Friday. It's my first full day off this year (we skipped right over MLK and President's Day) and as much as I like my job, it is definitely time for a break. Good Friday happens to land on Earth Day this year, and the only "problem" with that is it means that attending the lunchtime yoga under the arch event that day is much more inconvenient. I still might go because I miss yoga. I also miss dancing, but I think I always miss dancing if I'm not doing it every week. Maybe modern dance will be my next venture. I've never tried it, but for some reason, lately I'll hear a song and think "this could be perfect for modern dance." It's like interpretive dance with some ballet technique. I'll go ahead and pencil those things in somewhere between taiko, softball, and aerial arts. :-/
I digress. I meant to talk about the Earth Day Festival and other festivities at Forest Park and was side-tracked by dancing. There was plenty of dancing at the festival, though, too. We watched the belly dancers and danced to the raggae band. I wish I had worn my hippie skirt. I didn't even remember to wear anything with a peace sign on it! Oh wait, I was wearing something with a peace sign on it, but it wasn't visible. I guess that just proves my closet hippie status. The festival was surprisingly crowded, too, with "free spirits" and regular people alike.
Mick and I packed a picnic (his idea!) and we ate the sandwiches/snacks and drank the wine on a paddle boat (his idea again!). We also fed the ducks as they swam next to us. He made sandwiches with fake lunch meat because he's a vegetarian and that's all he had, but it was surprisingly good! My vegan/dancer co-worker has also been introducing me to some good alternatives to meat and dairy, and I'm slowly being converted. Now, I'm not saying I will be a full-blown vegetarian (how would I live without chicken?!), but it's not a bad idea to adopt some of those habits. In fact, I surprised myself and bought more vegetables than usual and light chocolate soy milk today (along with regular milk). It can't hurt.
After the paddle boats, he taught me how to play racquetball at the racquetball courts, we tossed around a frisbee, and we played catch to help me practice for Thursday's softball game. He bought a softball just for the ocassion (and let me keep it) and threw some pop flies and grounders. I'm still nervous about the game, but I'll probably do fine. Oh! And on the way home, we stopped by the carnival at Wash U. and rode a few rides. Carnival rides and wine should not be mixed. I wasn't feeling so great for the next half hour, but then I was fine. We were exhausted by the end of everything, but it was basically a perfect day.
It's official, I am smitten. I could go on and on, but I'll just say that he's adorable and he's pretty fond of me, too. We kind of make me sick. :-P (I know that sounds like an improper sentence, but if you think about it for a second it should make sense.) He actually makes me want to be a better person, and I never feel guilty or wrong for being a pretty good person already--I realize that second part shouldn't even make sense, but to me it does.
Which reminds me (because I almost forgot!), this morning I picked up my bike from what's his name's place, without having to see him. :-D And that, children, concludes the most tumultuous, confusing chapter of my life so far (2008-Now). I believe I'll call it "Growing Pains." Good riddance. Hopefully, this chapter will be something like "Graduation."
I digress. I meant to talk about the Earth Day Festival and other festivities at Forest Park and was side-tracked by dancing. There was plenty of dancing at the festival, though, too. We watched the belly dancers and danced to the raggae band. I wish I had worn my hippie skirt. I didn't even remember to wear anything with a peace sign on it! Oh wait, I was wearing something with a peace sign on it, but it wasn't visible. I guess that just proves my closet hippie status. The festival was surprisingly crowded, too, with "free spirits" and regular people alike.
Mick and I packed a picnic (his idea!) and we ate the sandwiches/snacks and drank the wine on a paddle boat (his idea again!). We also fed the ducks as they swam next to us. He made sandwiches with fake lunch meat because he's a vegetarian and that's all he had, but it was surprisingly good! My vegan/dancer co-worker has also been introducing me to some good alternatives to meat and dairy, and I'm slowly being converted. Now, I'm not saying I will be a full-blown vegetarian (how would I live without chicken?!), but it's not a bad idea to adopt some of those habits. In fact, I surprised myself and bought more vegetables than usual and light chocolate soy milk today (along with regular milk). It can't hurt.
After the paddle boats, he taught me how to play racquetball at the racquetball courts, we tossed around a frisbee, and we played catch to help me practice for Thursday's softball game. He bought a softball just for the ocassion (and let me keep it) and threw some pop flies and grounders. I'm still nervous about the game, but I'll probably do fine. Oh! And on the way home, we stopped by the carnival at Wash U. and rode a few rides. Carnival rides and wine should not be mixed. I wasn't feeling so great for the next half hour, but then I was fine. We were exhausted by the end of everything, but it was basically a perfect day.
It's official, I am smitten. I could go on and on, but I'll just say that he's adorable and he's pretty fond of me, too. We kind of make me sick. :-P (I know that sounds like an improper sentence, but if you think about it for a second it should make sense.) He actually makes me want to be a better person, and I never feel guilty or wrong for being a pretty good person already--I realize that second part shouldn't even make sense, but to me it does.
Which reminds me (because I almost forgot!), this morning I picked up my bike from what's his name's place, without having to see him. :-D And that, children, concludes the most tumultuous, confusing chapter of my life so far (2008-Now). I believe I'll call it "Growing Pains." Good riddance. Hopefully, this chapter will be something like "Graduation."
Sunday, April 10, 2011
It's in the cards
While I think fortune telling and things like that are fun, I don't put much stock into them. The few times I've participated in tarot readings, though, they've been spot on. Maybe they're so vague that they could apply to anyone, but I stumbled on this "past, present, future" reading and it resonates so well that it's kind of spooky. The "present" and "future" already seem intertwined.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Planning nothing
All day I felt like I was forgetting something, but I've come to the conclusion that the only thing I "forgot" to do was have plans for tonight. I actually planned on not having plans, which is a conscious effort. I'm guessing it's the other way around for most people (making plans as opposed to non-plans). This is nice, I guess. I only did one tiny taiko thing and I'm taking a break from some of the design stuff. Was it wrong for me to say it's hard to make it priority when I have other jobs outside of work that pay me? :-/ Well, I'm sorry but it's true. If I asked you to do your professional job for free in addition to the 45 hours you already spend on it, you probably wouldn't be thrilled, either--especially when it's for the hobby that already takes up the largest chunk of your "free" time. But would you really want to let someone else do "your job?" That's my dilemma. I love design and taiko, but I spend most of time on them already! I'd like to say that you get what you pay for, but I'll suck it up and do my best--just not without some whining. Oh, my new work blog post sort of applies here, I think (making decisions on a whim, 5ish taiko "clients" misdirecting, etc.). Baby steps. I'm warming up to it, but I must say that taiko is my worst client. Too many cooks in the kitchen.
I thought I could watch "How I Met Your Mother" for once, but the stupid basketball game is on. And two hours of "Dancing with the Stars," seriously? I can't even stomach 10 minutes, which is strange, considering my obsession with dance. I used to think it was because it was ballroom dancing and I don't know much about it, but I just realized it probably has more to do with the fact that half the people on the show are not actually dancers! I can tell, maybe even subconsciously, and it bothers me. Some of them might be naturally good dancers or have some training, but I haven't watched it long enough to see them.
In other news, I'm participating in a study for left- and mixed-handed people at SLU on Wednesday. A friend of a friend is doing her dissertation on the link between memory and people with non-dominant right hands. I actually think I lean toward the mixed-handed category, since I can switch hands pretty easily and normally test as "whole-brained," as opposed to left or right. I'm not sure what this study is trying to prove, but I think I have a pretty good visual memory, at least. I also think I tend to remember people in terms of broad strokes/impressions, but I can sometimes remember bits and pieces of information or conversations in great detail. Some have said my memory in personal relationships is too good, but it might be that theirs is either really horrible or they were doing things that shouldn't be remembered. I try to pick up tidbits of information from everyone I meet, though. I'm actually interested in knowing more about them and life in general, so I hate when I forget those things. Now, just don't ask me to remember names or historical details. Good thing I'm going to trivia afterward! ;)
This blog still counts as "nothing," by the way. I actually made dinner, posted a taiko event to facebook, and caught up on some news. I guess I can do that when I'm home all night. I could almost get used to this...like, once or twice a week--three nights if I'm really crazy.
Oh, and I've had "It's hard out here for a pimp" in my head all day, for no particular reason (aside from the obvious). Ha, enjoy:
I thought I could watch "How I Met Your Mother" for once, but the stupid basketball game is on. And two hours of "Dancing with the Stars," seriously? I can't even stomach 10 minutes, which is strange, considering my obsession with dance. I used to think it was because it was ballroom dancing and I don't know much about it, but I just realized it probably has more to do with the fact that half the people on the show are not actually dancers! I can tell, maybe even subconsciously, and it bothers me. Some of them might be naturally good dancers or have some training, but I haven't watched it long enough to see them.
In other news, I'm participating in a study for left- and mixed-handed people at SLU on Wednesday. A friend of a friend is doing her dissertation on the link between memory and people with non-dominant right hands. I actually think I lean toward the mixed-handed category, since I can switch hands pretty easily and normally test as "whole-brained," as opposed to left or right. I'm not sure what this study is trying to prove, but I think I have a pretty good visual memory, at least. I also think I tend to remember people in terms of broad strokes/impressions, but I can sometimes remember bits and pieces of information or conversations in great detail. Some have said my memory in personal relationships is too good, but it might be that theirs is either really horrible or they were doing things that shouldn't be remembered. I try to pick up tidbits of information from everyone I meet, though. I'm actually interested in knowing more about them and life in general, so I hate when I forget those things. Now, just don't ask me to remember names or historical details. Good thing I'm going to trivia afterward! ;)
This blog still counts as "nothing," by the way. I actually made dinner, posted a taiko event to facebook, and caught up on some news. I guess I can do that when I'm home all night. I could almost get used to this...like, once or twice a week--three nights if I'm really crazy.
Oh, and I've had "It's hard out here for a pimp" in my head all day, for no particular reason (aside from the obvious). Ha, enjoy:
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Only everyone else can do it
Okay, so once again I don't technically have time for this, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm giving myself until 11:10. I am bracing myself for ridiculous amounts of taiko through April 15, and then I am taking a break the entire week after that. It's even STL Design Week, which is perfect! (More on that later.)
I'm in the next three Friday performances, but I have personal ties to the next two, so I don't even want to skip them. (Except that Friday has become date night, so I'm trying to rework that.) The one at Webster was requested by the second grade Japanese Language School teacher and the one after that is at Lindenwood, where my sister goes. Oh, and I'm also finishing up the business cards and at least starting the cd booklet design. Next week I'll gather the construction images for the taiko Facebook page...ooh, unless I can pawn it off on someone else.
By the way, I'm kind of tired of not being able to get away with anything. There's someone who leaves practice early every week without any explanation to anyone, and still no one questions him. I wouldn't let myself get away with it, for one, but I doubt that no one would ask me about it. I would feel guilty for expecting them to just notice, accept and work around the pattern all on their own. In fact, when I said that I would be late to practice for a work-sponsored demolition ball event, someone else wrote back to tell me that she noticed this person left early on Tuesdays and that I needed to be there before that! Don't worry, I missed 1 1/2 hours of the work party for 2 1/2 hours of practice so he could practice for 1 hour and ascend into...I mean, leave. Hell, it felt like saying I had to meet at the downtown performance location tomorrow (instead of the studio) was frowned upon more than usual. I'm not saying it was because I was the one doing it, necessarily, but....okay, yeah I am. And this is possibly the first time I've ever done that. I guess when you set high expectations for yourself, other people learn to expect more out of you. That's my only rationale for why the chronically flaky people are allowed to be chronically flaky while the consistently responsible people are chastised for any amount of flakiness or "bad" behavior.
Maybe it's just me, because I never could get away with anything. I think it's genetic. My mom likes to tell the story of how she skipped school along with everyone else on senior skip day, yet she was one of maybe 5 people that got in trouble because the principal decided she was one of the ring leaders! She wasn't, but I think it illustrates my point. I swear, getting away with something because "everyone else is doing it" still doesn't seem to apply to me. I wanna be a cool kid, too!
Well, it's actually midnight. So much for that 11:10 deadline, huh? Once I started talking, I had more to say than I thought.
I'm in the next three Friday performances, but I have personal ties to the next two, so I don't even want to skip them. (Except that Friday has become date night, so I'm trying to rework that.) The one at Webster was requested by the second grade Japanese Language School teacher and the one after that is at Lindenwood, where my sister goes. Oh, and I'm also finishing up the business cards and at least starting the cd booklet design. Next week I'll gather the construction images for the taiko Facebook page...ooh, unless I can pawn it off on someone else.
By the way, I'm kind of tired of not being able to get away with anything. There's someone who leaves practice early every week without any explanation to anyone, and still no one questions him. I wouldn't let myself get away with it, for one, but I doubt that no one would ask me about it. I would feel guilty for expecting them to just notice, accept and work around the pattern all on their own. In fact, when I said that I would be late to practice for a work-sponsored demolition ball event, someone else wrote back to tell me that she noticed this person left early on Tuesdays and that I needed to be there before that! Don't worry, I missed 1 1/2 hours of the work party for 2 1/2 hours of practice so he could practice for 1 hour and ascend into...I mean, leave. Hell, it felt like saying I had to meet at the downtown performance location tomorrow (instead of the studio) was frowned upon more than usual. I'm not saying it was because I was the one doing it, necessarily, but....okay, yeah I am. And this is possibly the first time I've ever done that. I guess when you set high expectations for yourself, other people learn to expect more out of you. That's my only rationale for why the chronically flaky people are allowed to be chronically flaky while the consistently responsible people are chastised for any amount of flakiness or "bad" behavior.
Maybe it's just me, because I never could get away with anything. I think it's genetic. My mom likes to tell the story of how she skipped school along with everyone else on senior skip day, yet she was one of maybe 5 people that got in trouble because the principal decided she was one of the ring leaders! She wasn't, but I think it illustrates my point. I swear, getting away with something because "everyone else is doing it" still doesn't seem to apply to me. I wanna be a cool kid, too!
Well, it's actually midnight. So much for that 11:10 deadline, huh? Once I started talking, I had more to say than I thought.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Onward and upward
Okay, so I know I said I was cleaning--and I was--but it's time for a break. It's like I've been hibernating and it's just time for a spring cleaning of everything. Plus, I'm going to see Dr. Zhivegas at Ameristar tomorrow, and that might include hanging out at my house. I'd rather it didn't, but I do live the closest, so I should be ready. That's my motivation, real or imagined. It just needs to happen. Have you ever seen Dr. Zhivegas? They play cover songs from the 70's to now that are SO much fun to dance to. The guy has a bedazzled microphone and I want to BE that backup singer (the black girl).
Anyway, why am I here? Oh yes, procrastination. So...what's up, guys? Oh, right. *crickets*
Well, life is fabulous here, in case you hadn't heard. This past week at work has been especially uplifting. The project managers invited me to lunch and basically asked me what they could do better or what I would suggest to the people who maybe aren't as good at managing themselves. I think they're doing a great job, anyway, but I didn't know what to tell them about how I came to be apparently so great at time management. Momentum helped, but I've also been practicing this work/life juggling act for almost as long as I can remember. I don't know how to teach it, it's just engrained. Plus, the writer at work told me I'm a really good writer (another work post coming soon), and the team was happy with my concepts for a big long-term project that we presented today.
And that's just work stuff! Outside of work, things are just as good, I think. It feels like I'm firing on all cylinders. A weight has most definitely been lifted, and it was a weight that I either wasn't consciously aware of or that I had become accustomed to--probably some of both. Heh, I even bet that "weight" has a proper name (and some improper ones, lol).
Today I was thinking about how I often don't notice how bad things are when I'm in the thick of them. I know they're wrong or not ideal, but it's not until later--after I've had some separation and have broken the cycle of tolerance that I had built up--that I look back and say "Whoa, that will never happen again" or "I knew I was right about that." And rest assured that if it's something I had control over, it will never happen again. I don't think I make the same mistakes twice, once I've had time to reflect on and evaluate them. I just tend to make the most of what I have at any given time, I guess, and sometimes I don't have as much to work with. Part of me knew that when I was in the middle of it, but part of me also knew that it could be worse. However, I failed to acknowledge that it could also be THIS MUCH BETTER! Why didn't I factor that into the equation earlier? Oh, maybe it's because I was still crawling out of the 2008 pit of "It can't get worse? Well watch this." If that sounds dramatic, it was. I had to crawl before I learned to walk again, though, and now I'm skipping and jumping, too. And dancing, of course (that didn't stop, but pretend it did for the purposes of this metaphor). ;)
I don't know where I'm going from here, and I'm okay with that. All I know for sure is that I've gotten this far and I don't want to go back. I can only compensate for both good and bad parts of the past by creating a better present and future. Leave the past in the past. It's there for a reason. Onward and upward.
Anyway, why am I here? Oh yes, procrastination. So...what's up, guys? Oh, right. *crickets*
Well, life is fabulous here, in case you hadn't heard. This past week at work has been especially uplifting. The project managers invited me to lunch and basically asked me what they could do better or what I would suggest to the people who maybe aren't as good at managing themselves. I think they're doing a great job, anyway, but I didn't know what to tell them about how I came to be apparently so great at time management. Momentum helped, but I've also been practicing this work/life juggling act for almost as long as I can remember. I don't know how to teach it, it's just engrained. Plus, the writer at work told me I'm a really good writer (another work post coming soon), and the team was happy with my concepts for a big long-term project that we presented today.
And that's just work stuff! Outside of work, things are just as good, I think. It feels like I'm firing on all cylinders. A weight has most definitely been lifted, and it was a weight that I either wasn't consciously aware of or that I had become accustomed to--probably some of both. Heh, I even bet that "weight" has a proper name (and some improper ones, lol).
Today I was thinking about how I often don't notice how bad things are when I'm in the thick of them. I know they're wrong or not ideal, but it's not until later--after I've had some separation and have broken the cycle of tolerance that I had built up--that I look back and say "Whoa, that will never happen again" or "I knew I was right about that." And rest assured that if it's something I had control over, it will never happen again. I don't think I make the same mistakes twice, once I've had time to reflect on and evaluate them. I just tend to make the most of what I have at any given time, I guess, and sometimes I don't have as much to work with. Part of me knew that when I was in the middle of it, but part of me also knew that it could be worse. However, I failed to acknowledge that it could also be THIS MUCH BETTER! Why didn't I factor that into the equation earlier? Oh, maybe it's because I was still crawling out of the 2008 pit of "It can't get worse? Well watch this." If that sounds dramatic, it was. I had to crawl before I learned to walk again, though, and now I'm skipping and jumping, too. And dancing, of course (that didn't stop, but pretend it did for the purposes of this metaphor). ;)
I don't know where I'm going from here, and I'm okay with that. All I know for sure is that I've gotten this far and I don't want to go back. I can only compensate for both good and bad parts of the past by creating a better present and future. Leave the past in the past. It's there for a reason. Onward and upward.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Group Hug
I can't wait for the weekend! Tomorrow I'm hanging out/dancing/singing(?) in The Grove area with the boy. Eh, I'll call him "MJ" instead. (A good MJ, like Michael Jackson, as opposed to that insufferable jerk on the Morning Show.) Did I mention how well he treats me without any prodding or direction, and how I'm trying hard to stay grounded? Yes, several times? Well good, it doesn't get old--in fact, it's still quite new! If nothing else, I've already learned that good guys like him are out there and dating doesn't have to be a chore. Gah, I laugh at and simultaneously curse my past self over that on a regular basis, but hey, any future relationship is bound to be better. (Since it's already easy to find better dates, I guess you could say, but I don't think I mean that as harshly as it seems in writing.) I would compare it to my first job at Momentum--I worked so hard, and under such ridiculous circumstances, that it has made everything since then seem pretty easy. At my current job, at least every other week I say or think something like "Pshht, is that all you got? This is nothing compared to the craziness at Momentum."
I digress. Saturday morning is rehearsal for next week's talent show (with the kids), and they're pretty close to ready. That afternoon I'm going to a Dance St. Louis show at The Fox with my dance friend (from work), and I'm so excited! Amy (from taiko) found out they were giving them away at her work and was nice enough to ask if I wanted them. It's so awesome that she even thought to offer them to me in the first place! Speaking of taiko, practices at the new place are going well, and I like that we all seem comfortable contributing. It's a more organic process now, and it reminds me of my favorite quote on leadership, from Lao Tzu: "To lead people, walk beside them ... As for the best leaders, the people do not notice their existence. When the best leader's work is done the people say, 'We did it ourselves!'" That sounds familiar, maybe because I prefer to kind of blend in, anyway. I am simultaneously flattered and slightly annoyed at the concept, though. The one working relatively behind-the-scenes is not as glamorous or well-known as the one stealing the spotlight, but just as important to the success of the show.
Oh well, group hug! I'm feelin' and givin' the love. And well, it doesn't get much better than that, so I'll quit while I'm ahead.
I digress. Saturday morning is rehearsal for next week's talent show (with the kids), and they're pretty close to ready. That afternoon I'm going to a Dance St. Louis show at The Fox with my dance friend (from work), and I'm so excited! Amy (from taiko) found out they were giving them away at her work and was nice enough to ask if I wanted them. It's so awesome that she even thought to offer them to me in the first place! Speaking of taiko, practices at the new place are going well, and I like that we all seem comfortable contributing. It's a more organic process now, and it reminds me of my favorite quote on leadership, from Lao Tzu: "To lead people, walk beside them ... As for the best leaders, the people do not notice their existence. When the best leader's work is done the people say, 'We did it ourselves!'" That sounds familiar, maybe because I prefer to kind of blend in, anyway. I am simultaneously flattered and slightly annoyed at the concept, though. The one working relatively behind-the-scenes is not as glamorous or well-known as the one stealing the spotlight, but just as important to the success of the show.
Oh well, group hug! I'm feelin' and givin' the love. And well, it doesn't get much better than that, so I'll quit while I'm ahead.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Winning
I think I'm caught up on my sleep, thanks to today. For some reason, I had not gone to bed before 2am in a week, and it was starting to get to me. That's why I skipped taiko. Well that, and I spend an additional hour teaching taiko on Saturdays. We have two more weeks until the talent show, and they're pretty close to ready. I'm proud of them. One girl just isn't catching on, but she always has a big smile on her face, so I don't think anyone will care. They're all cute. I don't even know their names, but I'm going to miss them. Most of the parents stayed in the room for the first couple of weeks, but now they mostly just leave me to it. (Except now that I think of it, a couple dads have been there most weeks. Hmm...) I prefer not to have adult supervision, anyway, since I'm more comfortable with kids.
I think this has inspired me to look for more volunteering opportunities with kids. Maybe I'll actually help at the Crisis Nursery now, since I signed up and got approval just in time to get a job and get busy again. The background check took two months! Too bad I wasn't trying to get a gun--then, it would have taken two minutes! I still say something is wrong with that.
Anyway, this whole weekend was nice and low-key, but I didn't really get around to cleaning like I had hoped. I don't even remember what I did on Friday. It must have been exciting. :) Yesterday, I wandered around Mardi Gras with a friend around 7pm, when most people were drunk and possibly yelling at each other. We were clearly too sober and everything was closing, so after a few minutes we went to Lafayette Square instead (The Chocolate Bar!). We ended up talking for hours and it was really nice to catch up.
Today, I was a lazy bum until it was time to meet the boy (sure, I'll call him that). We wanted to do something outside this afternoon, but the sun was deceiving, since it was still cold. Hopefully, it will warm up soon! I'm getting cabin fever. You know what else? He tries to come up with new things to do or places to go. That's not exactly easy, since I've done a lot, but he has come up with some things already. I don't mind going somewhere that I've been before, anyway, especially since he suggests some of my favorite places, coincidentally. I'm keeping my options kind of open, but he still seems to be winning. It appears I could also have a hot girlfriend, too, if I wanted one. I am so amused at my options, and I'm having trouble keeping track of them.
These days, "winning" only makes me think of Charlie Sheen. At least he's embracing his public meltdown, I guess...? I can't tell if we're laughing at him or with him, and maybe it's better that way. It seems like he is actually winning. You and me both, man. You and me both. :)
I think this has inspired me to look for more volunteering opportunities with kids. Maybe I'll actually help at the Crisis Nursery now, since I signed up and got approval just in time to get a job and get busy again. The background check took two months! Too bad I wasn't trying to get a gun--then, it would have taken two minutes! I still say something is wrong with that.
Anyway, this whole weekend was nice and low-key, but I didn't really get around to cleaning like I had hoped. I don't even remember what I did on Friday. It must have been exciting. :) Yesterday, I wandered around Mardi Gras with a friend around 7pm, when most people were drunk and possibly yelling at each other. We were clearly too sober and everything was closing, so after a few minutes we went to Lafayette Square instead (The Chocolate Bar!). We ended up talking for hours and it was really nice to catch up.
Today, I was a lazy bum until it was time to meet the boy (sure, I'll call him that). We wanted to do something outside this afternoon, but the sun was deceiving, since it was still cold. Hopefully, it will warm up soon! I'm getting cabin fever. You know what else? He tries to come up with new things to do or places to go. That's not exactly easy, since I've done a lot, but he has come up with some things already. I don't mind going somewhere that I've been before, anyway, especially since he suggests some of my favorite places, coincidentally. I'm keeping my options kind of open, but he still seems to be winning. It appears I could also have a hot girlfriend, too, if I wanted one. I am so amused at my options, and I'm having trouble keeping track of them.
These days, "winning" only makes me think of Charlie Sheen. At least he's embracing his public meltdown, I guess...? I can't tell if we're laughing at him or with him, and maybe it's better that way. It seems like he is actually winning. You and me both, man. You and me both. :)
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Affairs of the heart
I didn't write the part after this intro, but I thought it was touching. It was written by an old coworker about another old coworker that I run into fairly regularly (he lives close and sometimes works next door). He's a good guy, and one of two people I know that has had a serious heart attack in just the past week. Even if some of the following doesn't fully apply to me, my stupid heart was also just figuratively weakened and broken, and it is quickly on the mend. (It could very well leave a figurative scar, though.) I think I've been mostly keeping it in perspective, but sometimes we can all use this kind of reminder:
'Tis the season for affairs of the heart.
Mine was broken into a million tiny pieces, the Friday before Valentine's Day.
The dreams I had, the future I envisioned...one day it was there, and the next, it was gone.
But my heart is merely broken.
Yesterday, my friend had a heart attack. I don't know all the details.
"Massive heart attack."
"Extensive damage."
"ICU."
My broken heart warrants none of these descriptors. It hurts. It aches like crazy. I don't understand why this happened, not really.
But I'm sure if my friend were able, he'd wonder the same things.
Why me?
What could I have done differently?
What about my kids? How will it affect them, seeing me this way?
He's fighting for his life. He can't suck it up.
But I can.
Dear friend, I'm sorry for making such a big deal about my broken heart.
Screw my stupid heart. It's a sucker. It loves people that don't love it back.
I'm praying for the swift and 100% recovery of yours.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I miss my bike
This weather is making me want to come out of hibernation and oh, I don't know, ride my bike. I'll get around to getting that bike...later, but it seems a little more pressing now. I've made several tentative plans with myself to retrieve it, and then something more appealing comes up and I decide that it can wait for some other time, like when I don't have other plans. The "problem" is, my supply of other plans is seemingly endless. I guess I will have to designate a day and actually plan on sticking to it, even though I could find other, better things to do.
Speaking of sticking to plans, did you know that even when some people have to cancel (tentative) plans at the last minute because of work, they are considerate enough to give you fair warning beforehand, reschedule, and genuinely apologize because they potentially kept you from other plans (on a Sunday night)? I mean, it's not even like I turned down a free ticket to the symphony (on a Friday) for plans that he set and then "didn't feel like" keeping...in this case. And this guy even thought of all of that previously mentioned stuff on his own, instead of arguing with me because I wanted some sort of apology in the first place (as was the case with the symphony thing)! (Oh, and don't even get me started on what the other person did instead!!) Actually feeling like this guy thinks about my feelings is wonderful and surprisingly different. I knew that was the main issue of the past, but it didn't really hit me until I really got away from it. I guess I got used to (fighting over) that, and any glimpse of improvement gave me hope. It never improved as much as it should have, though.
Holy sh*t! At this point, I can't help but compare the new treatment to the old treatment, and there is no contest. Reflecting only makes me angry, though, and that doesn't help anything. It's over, I learned from it, and I will never accept anything close to that again. I can't even really explain where I'm coming from, but let's just say that even after years of training, the bar is low. I must be extremely low maintenance to people with an inherent sense of courtesy toward other human beings, and it's shocking that I put up with anything less. I'm sure I didn't give any less. Basic Respect & Consideration 101 will be a prerequisite for my next boyfriend, though, since I am no longer teaching that class. :)
So about that bike...well, it looks like I'll have to reschedule, too, and I am only sorry that I didn't get it back before I had time to think it through. The bike seems to be the only thing standing in the way of freedom from that part of my past. I was hoping I could wait until more of my sympathy returned, but I think that the first day of Spring might come first. March 20 is my new personal deadline.
Speaking of sticking to plans, did you know that even when some people have to cancel (tentative) plans at the last minute because of work, they are considerate enough to give you fair warning beforehand, reschedule, and genuinely apologize because they potentially kept you from other plans (on a Sunday night)? I mean, it's not even like I turned down a free ticket to the symphony (on a Friday) for plans that he set and then "didn't feel like" keeping...in this case. And this guy even thought of all of that previously mentioned stuff on his own, instead of arguing with me because I wanted some sort of apology in the first place (as was the case with the symphony thing)! (Oh, and don't even get me started on what the other person did instead!!) Actually feeling like this guy thinks about my feelings is wonderful and surprisingly different. I knew that was the main issue of the past, but it didn't really hit me until I really got away from it. I guess I got used to (fighting over) that, and any glimpse of improvement gave me hope. It never improved as much as it should have, though.
Holy sh*t! At this point, I can't help but compare the new treatment to the old treatment, and there is no contest. Reflecting only makes me angry, though, and that doesn't help anything. It's over, I learned from it, and I will never accept anything close to that again. I can't even really explain where I'm coming from, but let's just say that even after years of training, the bar is low. I must be extremely low maintenance to people with an inherent sense of courtesy toward other human beings, and it's shocking that I put up with anything less. I'm sure I didn't give any less. Basic Respect & Consideration 101 will be a prerequisite for my next boyfriend, though, since I am no longer teaching that class. :)
So about that bike...well, it looks like I'll have to reschedule, too, and I am only sorry that I didn't get it back before I had time to think it through. The bike seems to be the only thing standing in the way of freedom from that part of my past. I was hoping I could wait until more of my sympathy returned, but I think that the first day of Spring might come first. March 20 is my new personal deadline.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Monogamory
It's such a beautiful day! Too bad I'm stuck inside all day, and even all night, until Friday. Tonight I'll be inside on my own accord, since it's Theology at the Bottleworks night. This month's topic is monogamy, so that should be interesting. I'm pretty sure monogamy is still ultimately the best choice, but polyamory seems more reasonable than I used to think. Personally, I am just allowing myself to be somewhat romantically interested in more than one person at a time (in a practice known as "casual dating," I believe). Polyamory is just like a...more thorough investigation of that, right? I don't know how it would ever work long-term, but it seems like it could be fun for a few months--not that I've decided to go there, I'm just sayin.' Decisions and commitment are hard sometimes, especially once I allow myself to have options. ;)
Oddly enough, a site that I regularly visit had an article about it today. It was talking about what it means for a relationship to "work," and how that applies to different forms of relationships. Does "working" have to mean that you must be together forever? Chances of that are rather slim these days. Instead, they (quoting Dan Savage) offered this alternate definition: “Did you get something out it? Was it good for you, was it good for them? Did you grow in this relationship? Do you look back on it with some fondness? In that sense, polyamorous relationships can work, monogamous relationships can work, they can all work ... If everybody had a great time and you emerged friends and you felt intimacy and connection and you learned and you grew in that relationship, it f**king worked even if you outlived it.” You know, I feel pretty good about most parts of that. C'est la vie.
Oddly enough, a site that I regularly visit had an article about it today. It was talking about what it means for a relationship to "work," and how that applies to different forms of relationships. Does "working" have to mean that you must be together forever? Chances of that are rather slim these days. Instead, they (quoting Dan Savage) offered this alternate definition: “Did you get something out it? Was it good for you, was it good for them? Did you grow in this relationship? Do you look back on it with some fondness? In that sense, polyamorous relationships can work, monogamous relationships can work, they can all work ... If everybody had a great time and you emerged friends and you felt intimacy and connection and you learned and you grew in that relationship, it f**king worked even if you outlived it.” You know, I feel pretty good about most parts of that. C'est la vie.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Unsolicited Opinions
Well, so much for that disappointing "blizzard." I was ready to be snowed in, and it wasn't even enough to keep me at home on Tuesday. It was barely doing anything in the morning, and even the ride home at 2:30 wasn't that bad. The hardest part was getting in the driveway. Because of the hype, I was one of only 5 people in the office and I drove the farthest. I got there before the two people that walked there! It was a productive day, too. I spent half the day brainstorming for the Alamo rental cars pitch, which was fun. Hopefully, I'll get more opportunities to brainstorm from now on.
It was an eventful week, in general. I hope the groundhog is right. I like snow and all, but I'm ready for Spring! Speaking of made-up predictions, I was just reading about this Year of the Rabbit, and I think this is solid advice (for any year): "This year you've been gifted with solid intuition, so use it. Date lots. Play the field. Wait for the right person to walk into your life. There will be tons of takers, but the perfect one might not come along at first. You'll probably have to sit back a while, but don't give up. Remember that saying: Good things come to those who wait. That should be your motto for the next 12 months." Points already acknowledged—embraced, even. The fun has begun, and I don't even mean that sarcastically (yet?)! It also said that last year was "quite a torrid affair—full of tumultuous mood swings, lots of hard work and over-the-top passionate adventures." Ha, don't remind me. Maybe there's something to it, after all. ;)
In case you were wondering about my thoughts on the Super Bowl ads (and even if you weren't), I have to say that while I wasn't that impressed, at least I wasn't insulted like I was last year. Remember last year? The common theme seemed to be that women were emasculating men, and men had to take back control from all of these overbearing women! Why isolate half of your audience like that? Part of the reason I love the Old Spice Guy ad so much is because it's a "manly man" ad that actually caters to women, statistically the primary purchasers, anyway.
Oh yeah, this year....my favorite was the VW ad with the Star Wars kid, and I'm not even a Star Wars fan. My second favorite would probably be the PepsiMax date ad, followed by the Carmax ad (with the "kid in the candy store" trail). As a side note, I'm not in the music business or anything, but aside from the Tron and Usher dances, I thought the halftime show sucked. I've never been a fan of the Black Eyed Peas, though. Will.I.Am is my favorite, if only because I think he has a clever name. Fergie has always struck me as...gross, though. I don't know how to put it any nicer than that. If the Super Bowl is going to skew to a younger audience again, they should go with Beyonce, or Rihanna, or even Taylor Swift, as much as I hate to say it. Did you hear she sold out both shows at Scottrade?! Wtf? While I'm rambling, I might as well add that I feel bad for Christina Aguilera. I think she really did get lost in the moment and that she does know the words. And that she's never been as gross or as "dirrty" as Fergie, even in the "X-tina" days. The National Anthem kind of reminded me of this, though, and I think that makes it better.
p.s. Lol, I just looked at my review from last year. At least I'm consistent (and learned that "overbearing" does not have a hyphen)!
It was an eventful week, in general. I hope the groundhog is right. I like snow and all, but I'm ready for Spring! Speaking of made-up predictions, I was just reading about this Year of the Rabbit, and I think this is solid advice (for any year): "This year you've been gifted with solid intuition, so use it. Date lots. Play the field. Wait for the right person to walk into your life. There will be tons of takers, but the perfect one might not come along at first. You'll probably have to sit back a while, but don't give up. Remember that saying: Good things come to those who wait. That should be your motto for the next 12 months." Points already acknowledged—embraced, even. The fun has begun, and I don't even mean that sarcastically (yet?)! It also said that last year was "quite a torrid affair—full of tumultuous mood swings, lots of hard work and over-the-top passionate adventures." Ha, don't remind me. Maybe there's something to it, after all. ;)
In case you were wondering about my thoughts on the Super Bowl ads (and even if you weren't), I have to say that while I wasn't that impressed, at least I wasn't insulted like I was last year. Remember last year? The common theme seemed to be that women were emasculating men, and men had to take back control from all of these overbearing women! Why isolate half of your audience like that? Part of the reason I love the Old Spice Guy ad so much is because it's a "manly man" ad that actually caters to women, statistically the primary purchasers, anyway.
Oh yeah, this year....my favorite was the VW ad with the Star Wars kid, and I'm not even a Star Wars fan. My second favorite would probably be the PepsiMax date ad, followed by the Carmax ad (with the "kid in the candy store" trail). As a side note, I'm not in the music business or anything, but aside from the Tron and Usher dances, I thought the halftime show sucked. I've never been a fan of the Black Eyed Peas, though. Will.I.Am is my favorite, if only because I think he has a clever name. Fergie has always struck me as...gross, though. I don't know how to put it any nicer than that. If the Super Bowl is going to skew to a younger audience again, they should go with Beyonce, or Rihanna, or even Taylor Swift, as much as I hate to say it. Did you hear she sold out both shows at Scottrade?! Wtf? While I'm rambling, I might as well add that I feel bad for Christina Aguilera. I think she really did get lost in the moment and that she does know the words. And that she's never been as gross or as "dirrty" as Fergie, even in the "X-tina" days. The National Anthem kind of reminded me of this, though, and I think that makes it better.
p.s. Lol, I just looked at my review from last year. At least I'm consistent (and learned that "overbearing" does not have a hyphen)!
Monday, January 31, 2011
SNOWPOCALYPSE
I should be prepared for work tomorrow. I have the files, bread, milk and...OH MY GOD, I AM OUT OF EGGS! Wait, I only buy eggs like three times a year. It just seems like I'm supposed to have some, now that they're selling out everywhere. What is the deal with buying out the bread, milk, and eggs, anyway? Yeah, those are staples, but we're only going to be snowed in for maybe two days. I think we would survive regardless. Even though I haven't been grocery shopping in weeks, I am steering clear of the store.
It could be nice to work from home tomorrow, if I can swing it. Of course, I have three meetings and three deadlines to work with, so I'm not sure it's worth the extra effort to check-in and make sure I have everything at home. The project I'm working on is crazy enough without bad weather problems. The good thing is, I still enjoy it. This is an exciting week, too, because the writer who has been part-time for months started full-time today. I consider her a friend (and a dancer friend at that), so I'm looking forward to keeping her around. I feel like they put a lot of emphasis on finding the right fit and the right personality for the company, so we work well together. It just occurred to me that many of them remind me of my cousins, and I like (most of) my cousins. I also recently realized that I'm the cool-headed, organized designer that really listens more than I talk, and I balance out the guy who is the opposite of those things. It's kind of funny.
There are other funny things going on outside of work--funny in an amusing and laughable sort of way. I'm not going to go spreading it around the internet...to all 5 of you, so just trust me on this one. And from now on, I'm going to trust myself. How about that?
It could be nice to work from home tomorrow, if I can swing it. Of course, I have three meetings and three deadlines to work with, so I'm not sure it's worth the extra effort to check-in and make sure I have everything at home. The project I'm working on is crazy enough without bad weather problems. The good thing is, I still enjoy it. This is an exciting week, too, because the writer who has been part-time for months started full-time today. I consider her a friend (and a dancer friend at that), so I'm looking forward to keeping her around. I feel like they put a lot of emphasis on finding the right fit and the right personality for the company, so we work well together. It just occurred to me that many of them remind me of my cousins, and I like (most of) my cousins. I also recently realized that I'm the cool-headed, organized designer that really listens more than I talk, and I balance out the guy who is the opposite of those things. It's kind of funny.
There are other funny things going on outside of work--funny in an amusing and laughable sort of way. I'm not going to go spreading it around the internet...to all 5 of you, so just trust me on this one. And from now on, I'm going to trust myself. How about that?
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Uh, Halloween
Boo! I finally found a way to clear my pictures off of my camera, so I have images that go back all the way to September, at least. That includes Halloween. I might put the picture above in a random facebook album, but it's too late to post the others there. This is more private and a few of you were asking to see the result, so here you go. The others are just for posterity and because they make me feel...oh I don't know, everything. And I think that's okay.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
All the single ladies
You know, being single is better than I remembered, and I was actually pretty fond of it the last time. I have invitations coming out the...ears (because I'm classy like that), and at least half of them are coming from people that don't even know my situation recently changed. Plus, if the situation's reversed and I find something fun to do, I can usually find someone that wants to come with me--even if they don't, like with yoga, I do it anyway. Oh, and let's just say that I have some interesting male prospects that serve as additional distractions. And possibly a residual weakness for musicians that will probably never go away, but let's not go there. Anyway, um...the attention is kind of ridiculous, but I could maybe get used to it. This whole thing is easier than I thought. Maybe it's because I understand the importance of letting go--whatever happens happens. I'll make it through, and I'll probably end up better and stronger than I was before. I guess it's too soon to say if I'll have some kind of relapse and I still have fleeting moments of sadness, but otherwise I'm really doing well.
I'm also embracing and acknowledging my true worth and individuality. I am a catch and I'm not going to waste time on anyone who needs me to spell it out for them or assumes that I'm usually putting my well-being ahead of his (when I'm not). If I had made a habit of the latter, I would have left a long time ago, no question! I finally started giving my well-being more clout in the end, though (and certainly now). Even in hindsight, when I'm trying to be brutally honest about my role in the relationship's demise and could benefit from a revelation like "I actually wasn't trying to help him there and it was more about me," most of the time it still doesn't fit. Of course, I wasn't perfect, but I gave it my all and I truly think I cared about him in ways that he couldn't even understand, let alone accept. His loss.
You know what's kind of funny? My first roommate, whom I haven't talked to in possibly a year, contacted me the other day to ask if I would consider being a part of a photography series on empowered women. She's in charge of a local marketing campaign and wants to take some pictures of me playing taiko and possibly dancing, I think. Ha! I think I'll actually take her up on it. I mean, why not? I definitely belong there. :)
I'm also embracing and acknowledging my true worth and individuality. I am a catch and I'm not going to waste time on anyone who needs me to spell it out for them or assumes that I'm usually putting my well-being ahead of his (when I'm not). If I had made a habit of the latter, I would have left a long time ago, no question! I finally started giving my well-being more clout in the end, though (and certainly now). Even in hindsight, when I'm trying to be brutally honest about my role in the relationship's demise and could benefit from a revelation like "I actually wasn't trying to help him there and it was more about me," most of the time it still doesn't fit. Of course, I wasn't perfect, but I gave it my all and I truly think I cared about him in ways that he couldn't even understand, let alone accept. His loss.
You know what's kind of funny? My first roommate, whom I haven't talked to in possibly a year, contacted me the other day to ask if I would consider being a part of a photography series on empowered women. She's in charge of a local marketing campaign and wants to take some pictures of me playing taiko and possibly dancing, I think. Ha! I think I'll actually take her up on it. I mean, why not? I definitely belong there. :)
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Maybe I'll borrow a cyborg
Okay Body, you win this time, but not for long. I shouldn't have been so flippant about that last cold, huh? You were just lying dormant, waiting to come back stronger than before. I thought you liked yoga, though...and taiko, and that Wii dance game, and going out, and staying up late with friends--and doing at least one of those things every night of this month (minus that one night I went to bed at 9). Well, I thoroughly enjoyed them, anyway. You better be ready for hip hop on Monday! And starting to teach kids taiko on Saturday. I always get myself into these situations where I try to do too many things at once, but it's hard to slow down because there are so many things that I want to do. I've been like this since I can remember, but I have tried so many different things this way. I have down time, too. Yoga in itself is practically down time--I mean, we take naps at the end! Plus, I started reading a book and I have two more in line after this one. I even watch The Daily Show and/or Colbert Report a few times a week. I get it, though, more rest. Hey, at least I'm sleeping in on weekends, as long as I don't have to go to taiko. Next month looks slower, anyway.
I can't decide if I'm going to lay low on Friday or go to "The Giver" at Wash U. I've been talking about rereading the book for years, and I would probably get more out of it now than I did in 6th grade. I used to relate to the character to some degree, and I would imagine that I still do. I used to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders more than I do now, though. We'll see how I feel on Friday. It's the only day I don't have something going on until next Friday.
(By the way, I was hoping Sarah Palin would go away by now. Why does anyone still care what she thinks? I mean, people shouldn't blame her for the crazy guy in Arizona, but she shouldn't act like her message has ever been about peace, either.)
It looks like I'm going to be writing more for our newsletter at work, as is everyone, and I have no shortage of ideas. We're supposed to write about things in the industry, especially digital. I almost have so many ideas that it's hard to get started, really. I think my personal interest and research in sociology and anthropology gives a unique perspective to the social media and technological landscape, but it's such a broad topic and there are so many nuances. I see plenty of advantages and disadvantages, but how do I sum that up in a 400 word blog post? Maybe I'll have to sum it up in several posts. This has caught my interest most recently:
I'm not sure I agree with everything there. Are we "increasing our humanness and our ability to connect to each other?" We are increasing our ability to connect, yes, but on what level? We produce so many snippets of information and sound bites, if you will, that I think we are actually losing parts of our humanness in the process. I can read a sentence that tells me what you're thinking or doing at that moment and we can interact via short comments and the click of a button, but that doesn't necessarily mean we know each other in a meaningful way. After too many of those disjointed relations, we may forget to see the whole person or bother to reach beyond all the noise. Forget a possible downturn in self reflection and patience for the moment, I'm concerned that all of this "connection" will make us think we're content with superficial relationships between our "second selves." How much of this virtual connection is only masquerading as human? Hmm, I don't think work would like me to write about that. I'll have to find a different angle.
We've only been coming up with blog post content ideas at work for a few weeks, but I've noticed that now that my coworkers give me a chance to speak, they seem pleasantly surprised at my suggestions. It's like they thought that since I didn't try to dominate the discussion (as some do), I must not have anything to say--when in fact, my ideas tend to be more thorough and deeper than what comes off the top of other peoples' heads. I think all of us that work there are smart people and we're actually carving that as our niche, but some people wear it on their sleeves and I just don't. Surprises keep things more interesting, anyway.
I can't decide if I'm going to lay low on Friday or go to "The Giver" at Wash U. I've been talking about rereading the book for years, and I would probably get more out of it now than I did in 6th grade. I used to relate to the character to some degree, and I would imagine that I still do. I used to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders more than I do now, though. We'll see how I feel on Friday. It's the only day I don't have something going on until next Friday.
(By the way, I was hoping Sarah Palin would go away by now. Why does anyone still care what she thinks? I mean, people shouldn't blame her for the crazy guy in Arizona, but she shouldn't act like her message has ever been about peace, either.)
It looks like I'm going to be writing more for our newsletter at work, as is everyone, and I have no shortage of ideas. We're supposed to write about things in the industry, especially digital. I almost have so many ideas that it's hard to get started, really. I think my personal interest and research in sociology and anthropology gives a unique perspective to the social media and technological landscape, but it's such a broad topic and there are so many nuances. I see plenty of advantages and disadvantages, but how do I sum that up in a 400 word blog post? Maybe I'll have to sum it up in several posts. This has caught my interest most recently:
I'm not sure I agree with everything there. Are we "increasing our humanness and our ability to connect to each other?" We are increasing our ability to connect, yes, but on what level? We produce so many snippets of information and sound bites, if you will, that I think we are actually losing parts of our humanness in the process. I can read a sentence that tells me what you're thinking or doing at that moment and we can interact via short comments and the click of a button, but that doesn't necessarily mean we know each other in a meaningful way. After too many of those disjointed relations, we may forget to see the whole person or bother to reach beyond all the noise. Forget a possible downturn in self reflection and patience for the moment, I'm concerned that all of this "connection" will make us think we're content with superficial relationships between our "second selves." How much of this virtual connection is only masquerading as human? Hmm, I don't think work would like me to write about that. I'll have to find a different angle.
We've only been coming up with blog post content ideas at work for a few weeks, but I've noticed that now that my coworkers give me a chance to speak, they seem pleasantly surprised at my suggestions. It's like they thought that since I didn't try to dominate the discussion (as some do), I must not have anything to say--when in fact, my ideas tend to be more thorough and deeper than what comes off the top of other peoples' heads. I think all of us that work there are smart people and we're actually carving that as our niche, but some people wear it on their sleeves and I just don't. Surprises keep things more interesting, anyway.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Feelin' Good
Oh crap, I just remembered that I have "homework" for work tomorrow, kind of. Well, I'll get to that in a minute (or 10). This weekend went way too fast! It was fun, though. Friday was over before I knew it, and I went to Rosemary's daughter's roller skating party Saturday afternoon. Shopping for little girls is fun (and so is skating)! Then, I went to a white elephant party. I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty sure I gave the best gift--I mean, who doesn't want N'Sync folders and Backstreet Boys VHS tapes? I threw in some bath stuff for good measure, too. All I got was a spoon rest, but it's something that I didn't have before. We played Catch Phrase and Apples to Apples and it was just a fun, laid back night with people that I don't see that often. (I am a Catch Phrase master, by the way.) Sunday I went to yoga, had dinner with my family, and then caught up with a good friend at our usual (Wednesday) bar. We always have good talks and fun times. I did my "signature" karaoke song and I think it's gotten better. I'm more relaxed now. Time to try something new ("Whatta Man")?! Also, I forgot that guys will buy you a beer just for talking to them, so...whatever, I guess, as long as they're not creepy or interrupting.
I went to yoga again today after work and now I'm here. Yoga is the perfect new(ish) hobby for me this month, too. I'm getting back to my center and remembering what I'm all about, and it feels fabulous. Hmm, it's kinda like this :-D
I went to yoga again today after work and now I'm here. Yoga is the perfect new(ish) hobby for me this month, too. I'm getting back to my center and remembering what I'm all about, and it feels fabulous. Hmm, it's kinda like this :-D
Saturday, January 8, 2011
The long and short of it
Wow, work was crazy today! Clients were dragging their feet on the stuff I needed to start several projects, so it cut into my time. I ate "lunch" at 3:30, and since I accidentally brought spoiled leftovers, I ate some of a coworker's leftover chili after he offered it. :) Somehow, I still finished everything by 5:45. Well, it can probably be attributed to my training at Momentum boot camp, where everything had a "drop dead date" (final, immovable deadline) of practically impossible. S%*t, ALL of our deadlines were like that, not just the "final" ones. I don't think I've even heard the term "drop dead date" since then, thank God. I learned and gained so much from that whole experience, though, and that's why I make the big bucks now. That experience has a lot to do with many of the things I know and do today, actually.
Speaking of those kinds of things, as most of you have heard, Joel and I broke up a few weeks ago. The last fight was a misunderstanding on both sides, but I think we both had one foot out the door. We even took a break in November and I thought that was it, but then it seemed like maybe he realized what he was missing. I don't know what happened to that, exactly, but the bottom line is, we took it as far as we could. I don't think I'm even the clingy or demanding type, but I still couldn't give him the huge amounts of space and privacy that he required--a relationship can't survive when someone regularly insists on hiding things. Usually those things were small and unimportant, but not always. Even the small things had a tendency to turn into big things, though, simply because he treated them as things that I should not know. He refused to let me get any closer, but I am amazed he even let me get that close.
He is the epitome of a loner and I was his best friend, but I pushed for more. I can't say I pushed for more than I should have, though, since I don't think I ever truly expected him to be as invested as I was. He misinterpreted my depth of caring and interest in his life as something sinister or superficial more often than I would like to remember, and I'm just not sure he could understand and accept where I was really coming from. I turned to good friends outside of the relationship for most of my emotional support and sensitivity, as a recent event really brought to the forefront. He held my interest because he could challenge me, though, and I still think in several ways, we complement each other. (I definitely softened him up a bit, but don't tell him I told you. ;)) I still admire several things about him and I don't regret our time together, but I know in my head that this is for the best. Now, the rest of me hasn't quite caught up yet, but I'm working on it. In this case, what I deserve takes precedence over what I feel, since the two are kind of conflicted. I'm still mourning the loss, but I'm not devastated. My heart has been breaking little by little for a while, so it's not happening all at once.
Still, I'm doing as well as can be expected, maybe better. I kept a healthy balance of friends and hobbies throughout the relationship and, well, I never mapped out much of a future with Joel. The truth is, I've been struggling to regain my faith in planning any kind of future since my Great Recession in '08--this relationship began in the midst of all of that, and that's probably not a coincidence. I have consistently forced myself out of my comfort zone and grown by leaps and bounds since then. I have been appreciating everything I have when I have it and soaking it all in. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I guess you could say I've learned to diversify my life and not to put too much stock in one thing; however, I still invest the majority of myself in everything that I do. (Now how do I translate that to my retirement fund?) I'm not even sure how to explain it, exactly, except I think it means I am living life to the fullest.
What now? Well, I'll keep appreciating all the good things I still have, exploring the many interests and places I haven't tried yet, and maintaining relationships with the people that are worth it. I'll continue to love and care for people as much as or even more than usual (without ignoring myself), and I will remain open to the possibilities that life offers. Eventually, I'll feel like meeting other guys, and hopefully, I'll meet someone who knows how to care about me the way I care about him (without extensive and frustrating amounts of training and misunderstandings). I think my biggest challenge will be finding someone that I decide is worth my time, since I have a pretty full life already.
I still wish Joel the best, but I'm afraid he's in for a lonely road ahead if he doesn't change his ways; however, I don't think he would mind that too much, either. I don't understand the merits of that way of life, but I am resigned to finally accept that about him. Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it means accepting that some things weren't meant to be. Now, I can be ready for something that is.
Speaking of those kinds of things, as most of you have heard, Joel and I broke up a few weeks ago. The last fight was a misunderstanding on both sides, but I think we both had one foot out the door. We even took a break in November and I thought that was it, but then it seemed like maybe he realized what he was missing. I don't know what happened to that, exactly, but the bottom line is, we took it as far as we could. I don't think I'm even the clingy or demanding type, but I still couldn't give him the huge amounts of space and privacy that he required--a relationship can't survive when someone regularly insists on hiding things. Usually those things were small and unimportant, but not always. Even the small things had a tendency to turn into big things, though, simply because he treated them as things that I should not know. He refused to let me get any closer, but I am amazed he even let me get that close.
He is the epitome of a loner and I was his best friend, but I pushed for more. I can't say I pushed for more than I should have, though, since I don't think I ever truly expected him to be as invested as I was. He misinterpreted my depth of caring and interest in his life as something sinister or superficial more often than I would like to remember, and I'm just not sure he could understand and accept where I was really coming from. I turned to good friends outside of the relationship for most of my emotional support and sensitivity, as a recent event really brought to the forefront. He held my interest because he could challenge me, though, and I still think in several ways, we complement each other. (I definitely softened him up a bit, but don't tell him I told you. ;)) I still admire several things about him and I don't regret our time together, but I know in my head that this is for the best. Now, the rest of me hasn't quite caught up yet, but I'm working on it. In this case, what I deserve takes precedence over what I feel, since the two are kind of conflicted. I'm still mourning the loss, but I'm not devastated. My heart has been breaking little by little for a while, so it's not happening all at once.
Still, I'm doing as well as can be expected, maybe better. I kept a healthy balance of friends and hobbies throughout the relationship and, well, I never mapped out much of a future with Joel. The truth is, I've been struggling to regain my faith in planning any kind of future since my Great Recession in '08--this relationship began in the midst of all of that, and that's probably not a coincidence. I have consistently forced myself out of my comfort zone and grown by leaps and bounds since then. I have been appreciating everything I have when I have it and soaking it all in. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I guess you could say I've learned to diversify my life and not to put too much stock in one thing; however, I still invest the majority of myself in everything that I do. (Now how do I translate that to my retirement fund?) I'm not even sure how to explain it, exactly, except I think it means I am living life to the fullest.
What now? Well, I'll keep appreciating all the good things I still have, exploring the many interests and places I haven't tried yet, and maintaining relationships with the people that are worth it. I'll continue to love and care for people as much as or even more than usual (without ignoring myself), and I will remain open to the possibilities that life offers. Eventually, I'll feel like meeting other guys, and hopefully, I'll meet someone who knows how to care about me the way I care about him (without extensive and frustrating amounts of training and misunderstandings). I think my biggest challenge will be finding someone that I decide is worth my time, since I have a pretty full life already.
I still wish Joel the best, but I'm afraid he's in for a lonely road ahead if he doesn't change his ways; however, I don't think he would mind that too much, either. I don't understand the merits of that way of life, but I am resigned to finally accept that about him. Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it means accepting that some things weren't meant to be. Now, I can be ready for something that is.
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