Sunday, November 30, 2008

On my mind

Sometimes, when I can't settle on one topic, I like to make several mini statements about whatever is on my mind. Observe:

  • I just finished watching "Britney: For The Record," and it was actually pretty interesting. It's basically Britney's motivations over the past few years, in her own words. I know some of those things she brought on herself, but through it all I felt sort of bad for her. She hasn't exactly grown up in a normal environment, and she had to make her mistakes while the whole world watched. What difference does it make to us what she does with her life? Besides, Britney's new song "Womanizer" is one of my favorite songs on the radio right now: "Boy don't try to front, uh, I know just, just, what you are, ah, ah...You got me going. You're oh so charming. But I can't do it. You womanizer." Ladies, you know what she's talking about.
  • Dear MTV: The Britney show was kind of cool, but please stop contaminating our youth with this "Double Shot of Love" (really? another one?) and "The City" (The Hills spin-off) CRAP. I saw the commercials. Admittedly, "The Pick-Up Artist" is good for a laugh occasionally and "America's Best Dance Crew" is awesome, but that does not account for the rest of your programming. How do you still rope me into watching anything on your channel, anyway? I blame my sister.
  • Elf has to be my favorite Christmas movie. One of these years, I am going to be in NYC during Christmas time. New York felt kind of magical in October, but I imagine it's even better in December. I will be sure to visit the places in the movie, too.
  • I have to wear grown-up clothes to work tomorrow, which means no jeans. Apparently wearing jeans is a special privilege in the world of "business casual." Well, at least I'll get some use out of those nice pants that have been collecting dust in my drawer. At Momentum, we called that "laundry day."
  • I am working on some flyers for a guy that releases his third religious cd next week. Wow, what a religious person. I admire that kind of commitment, but it's not really my thing (religion, I mean...well, okay, also commitment). Spirituality seems to be the way to go for me right now.
  • Speaking of commitment, I realized I am more comfortable being a "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of girl than a "planner." My idea of plans these days does not extend much beyond the next month or so, mostly the next couple of days. Sure, I still have goals and hopes for the future, but I'm not counting on anything anymore. I suppose that's kind of depressing, but it's all in how you look at it. The only thing we can really count on is change. I say, make the most of what you have while you have it and don't worry too much about the future before it gets here.
  • Life is one big balancing act. Finding that balance is a major stepping stone to happiness.

Word.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Oh the irony

I'm back. Not just back to my blog, but back to a somewhat stable existence. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel . . . and I just hope it's not coming from a train. You can't blame me for being skeptical of actual progress, though. I had been in limbo for months, and within 6 days I bought a new computer, gained a freelance project, found closure at Momentum, reconnected with an old friend, and got a part-time designer job. Even the background check that I had been waiting on for over a month, the one that I needed to volunteer at the St. Louis Crisis Nursery, came through at the same time. I feel like I've just been holding my breath since then, afraid that any good news is just a mirage and that it could vanish at any moment. This new job is scheduled to end January 31, but that's not set in stone. In fact, the past 7 months have taught me, above all, that nothing ever is. I'll take these new opportunities as my cue to pick myself up, dust myself off, and face the world again.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Cue the violin

I miss my old life in so many ways, but I have been trying not to think about it. I can't help but remember how it used to be, though, when I see my old co-workers again. A bunch of us got together for drinks tonight, because another 15 people were laid off there this week. Yet again, several of them were people that introduced me to the business and helped me so much along the way, people that have been there forever (especially in agency years). Many of my co-workers were like my second family, and I think a part of me will always miss what I had there. I'm not sure I will ever find that again in another job.

I can't really begin to explain what "that" is, but I'm going to try, anyway. Basically, I had found my niche there, and I was on good terms with every single person that I knew in that office. Hell, I was on good terms with people I can't really claim to know, too. My reputation usually preceded me in "introductions," as if I were some kind of celebrity. I also had a way of working very well with difficult people. Even the toughest, scariest people in the office were total sweethearts to me--people that were notorious for being critical and complaining about everyone and everything only gave me heartfelt, sometimes gushing compliments. I had to laugh as I hugged some of them tonight, because to me that tough-guy image was always an act. I have lost count of the people that have individually volunteered to be a reference for me or that have told me that the company made a mistake when they let me go. An unexpected "fan" comes out of the woodwork all the time. It continues to amaze me, and I can only describe it as some kind of phenomena. Maybe they're all drinking the kool-aid...or maybe, they're onto something.

In any case, that support has had a profound impact on my life, and I will always carry that with me. Even though I am glad to still see some of them ocassionally, it's not the same. (I mean, catching up with 4 people at lunch once a month does not really compare to catching up or saying "hi" to 60 people you enjoy just seeing in the hallways all the time.) I have been trying my best to distract myself from the loss and I really have not been dwelling on it, but I just have to allow myself to fully confront it before I can really get over it. I shouldn't cry because it's over, I should smile because it happened.

The place that I left is not the place that it is today, anyway. I'm glad I was not around to see many of my mentors get pushed out the door before me, and it was hard enough to concentrate on work during that month or so when my job was up in the air. The place I used to know now only lives in my memory. It took place at a more innocent time, a time when I believed that good work would be rewarded and that a strong character was more important than a strong title. Sometimes, that might still be the case, but right now I am jaded. Let me wallow in my cynicism just this once, because I owe it to myself this time. I have every right to feel screwed over. Things will get better soon enough, I can feel it.

Revelation/rant: It continues to be clear that the lay-offs are not about performance. I'm starting to realize that they seem to be cutting the people probably making the highest salaries in their title bracket, though. Actually, that rule could apply to me, as well. I got over a 7% raise at my first and only review time (July '07), when fellow co-workers were getting the standard 3%. (I only know this because they were complaining.) They piled on the responsibility, and I seemed to be on the fast track towards a promotion (July '08, I was hoping). Then, the shit hit the fan for Kraft as well as the rest of the company. I probably should have been on the low end of the Art Director bracket instead of the high end of Junior Art Director bracket, but I never pushed for a title adjustment because I didn't think it was that important. In hindsight, maybe it was. I know it was important to certain non-St. Louis assholes at the top, anyway...(Sorry, but I personally have to respect a person's character before I can truly respect a person's title.) Anyway, none of this matters now, but it almost begins to make some kind of sense. Eh, I don't care. F*@# the bottom line.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Sneak preview

My life is a dramedy. You would think that, since I don't have a job, things would be pretty boring. Au contraire. My life changes considerably from week to week, even sometimes day to day. In fact, I wish my life could be more boring and predictable. The few friends that actually know most of what's going on have a hard time keeping up. Many things in my life can be categorized as either wildly amusing or ironically tragic, sometimes a combination of both.

Maybe what started out as boredom has mushroomed into an uncontrollable curiousity. I think I need to go back to work just so I can keep myself in line. ;) I'm actually taking things as they come, though, and not just talking about it. I'm still trying to figure out why karma sometimes hates me so much. Life has thrown me for...several loops, and I'm getting dizzy.

This reminds me of "The Show" by Lenka:
I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
Can't do it alone
I've tried, but i don't know why

Slow it down, make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
Cause its to much, yea its alot
To be something I'm not

I'm a fool, out of love
Cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze, and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
Can't do it alone
I've tried, but i don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but i don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down
I know, I've got to let it go

And just enjoy the show

...I want my money back

Just enjoy the show

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Yes, we can

It's so nice to have a president (elect) that speaks to us like we're adults. Here are my highlights of Obama's acceptance speech, because I want it in my records:

"If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

...It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled - Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.

It's the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day. It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America.

...I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to - it belongs to you...I know you didn't do this just to win an election and I know you didn't do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime - two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair.

...The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America - I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you - we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can't solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it's been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years - block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

This victory alone is not the change we seek. It is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It can't happen without you, without a new spirit of service, a new spirit of sacrifice.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism, of responsibility, where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves but each other. Let us remember that, if this financial crisis taught us anything, it's that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers.

In this country, we rise or fall as one nation, as one people. Let's resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. Let's remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House, a party founded on the values of self-reliance and individual liberty and national unity. Those are values that we all share. And while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress.

As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, we are not enemies but friends. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces, to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of the world, our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand.

And to all those who have wondered if America's beacon still burns as bright: Tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyielding hope. That's the true genius of America: that America can change. Our union can be perfected. What we've already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.

...America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves - if our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper (106), what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can."

We can, and I believe that we will...eventually. Achieving anything worthwhile requires vision, hard work, determination, and faith. This is a big first step. It will not be easy and it will not happen overnight, but with this core motivation, we will once again prove that America is resilient. He calls us to a higher purpose that I feel has been ignored for far too long. Obama's words reach something deep inside of me and articulate that in a way that I never could. I see things on a global scale, and Obama's message is my message.

Personally, my greatest hope for America is that someday, a culture of altruism will trump this current culture of greed and personal interest, or at least counter it. As a functioning society, it is our duty to not only take care of ourselves, but to take care of each other. It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, from Martin Luther King, Jr.: "An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity." We're in this together, after all.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

America is back

I have been struggling to find the words to describe my feelings about this historic election. No matter what you think of Obama's politics, you cannot look at his story, listen to his message, know where this country has been, and not be touched by the sentiments. It transcends politics. This is the America that we have always claimed to be, an America where anything is possible. His victory alone begins to break down the walls that divide us and restore the American dream. It begins to reposition Americans as citizens of the world in this global economy and helps us regain our respect worldwide. Not only did Obama win, but the people of the United States of America won.

America let me down in a major way 4 years ago, and up until the very end of this election, I did not trust that some of the same people that re-elected Bush would go for Obama. I understand that the challenges we face are not all the government's making, but the failure to respond to those challenges is the result of a broken politics. After Bush won, I actually cried for the fate of this country. I remember having a strong sinking feeling that Americans did not know what they had chosen and that we were digging ourselves deeper into a hole. I think that's a pretty accurate description of what actually happened. I have to give the Bush administration some credit, though, because their consistent incompetence set the table for this kind of transformational figure to arrive (too harsh?). The election results are emotional to me now, too, but for completely opposite reasons. This time, I feel empowered instead of helpless, optimistic instead of cynical, inspired instead of discouraged.

We are already proving that we are changing as a country, growing and evolving, striving for something better. This time, we chose a politics of hope and dignity over a politics of cynicism and fear. I hope that we truly are taking back the White House. Maybe this time, as we've already seen, anything can happen.

Streetcorner Symphony

I can't get this "Streetcorner Symphony" song out of my head, and I actually don't want to get rid of it. I think it really captures the moment right now, or at least how I feel about it (more to come later). This is not just an election, it's a movement:

It's morning
I wake up
The taste of summer sweetness on my mind
It's a clear day
In this city
Let's go dance under the street lights
All the people in this world
Let's come together
More than ever
I can feel it
Can you feel it?

Come on over
Down to the corner
My sisters and my brothers of every different color
Can't you feel that sunshine telling you to hold tight
Things will be alright
Try to find a better life


Come on over, down to the corner
My sisters and my brothers there for one another
Come on over
Man I know you wanna let yourself go

Some people
It's a pity
They go all their lives and never know
How to love or to let love go
But it's alright now
We'll make it through this somehow
And we'll paint the perfect picture
All the colors of this world will run together more than ever
I can feel it
Can you feel it?

We may never find our reason to shine
But here and now this is our time
And I may never find the meaning of life
But for this moment I am fine

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Good news, bad news

I have been sort of hooked on CNN lately, mostly because the election is almost here, but also partially because I think Anderson Cooper is adorable. Yeah, leave it to me to have a bit of a crush on a news reporter. I kind of forgot about it until recently, but I have liked him since I saw his coverage of the tsunami (2004). (More people jumped on the Cooper bandwagon after Katrina in 2005.) In the midst of those disasters, he seemed to have an intriguing mix of adventure, ruggedness and sensitivity. His studio news coverage is intelligent and thoughtful, sometimes humorous. Give that man a musical instrument and a healthy appreciation of the arts, and you basically have my ideal. Of course, I'm pretty sure he's gay (those are the rumors). Well, that figures. *sigh*