The long and short of it

Wow, work was crazy today! Clients were dragging their feet on the stuff I needed to start several projects, so it cut into my time. I ate "lunch" at 3:30, and since I accidentally brought spoiled leftovers, I ate some of a coworker's leftover chili after he offered it. :) Somehow, I still finished everything by 5:45. Well, it can probably be attributed to my training at Momentum boot camp, where everything had a "drop dead date" (final, immovable deadline) of practically impossible. S%*t, ALL of our deadlines were like that, not just the "final" ones. I don't think I've even heard the term "drop dead date" since then, thank God. I learned and gained so much from that whole experience, though, and that's why I make the big bucks now. That experience has a lot to do with many of the things I know and do today, actually.

Speaking of those kinds of things, as most of you have heard, Joel and I broke up a few weeks ago. The last fight was a misunderstanding on both sides, but I think we both had one foot out the door. We even took a break in November and I thought that was it, but then it seemed like maybe he realized what he was missing. I don't know what happened to that, exactly, but the bottom line is, we took it as far as we could. I don't think I'm even the clingy or demanding type, but I still couldn't give him the huge amounts of space and privacy that he required--a relationship can't survive when someone regularly insists on hiding things. Usually those things were small and unimportant, but not always. Even the small things had a tendency to turn into big things, though, simply because he treated them as things that I should not know. He refused to let me get any closer, but I am amazed he even let me get that close.

He is the epitome of a loner and I was his best friend, but I pushed for more. I can't say I pushed for more than I should have, though, since I don't think I ever truly expected him to be as invested as I was. He misinterpreted my depth of caring and interest in his life as something sinister or superficial more often than I would like to remember, and I'm just not sure he could understand and accept where I was really coming from. I turned to good friends outside of the relationship for most of my emotional support and sensitivity, as a recent event really brought to the forefront. He held my interest because he could challenge me, though, and I still think in several ways, we complement each other. (I definitely softened him up a bit, but don't tell him I told you. ;)) I still admire several things about him and I don't regret our time together, but I know in my head that this is for the best. Now, the rest of me hasn't quite caught up yet, but I'm working on it. In this case, what I deserve takes precedence over what I feel, since the two are kind of conflicted. I'm still mourning the loss, but I'm not devastated. My heart has been breaking little by little for a while, so it's not happening all at once.

Still, I'm doing as well as can be expected, maybe better. I kept a healthy balance of friends and hobbies throughout the relationship and, well, I never mapped out much of a future with Joel. The truth is, I've been struggling to regain my faith in planning any kind of future since my Great Recession in '08--this relationship began in the midst of all of that, and that's probably not a coincidence. I have consistently forced myself out of my comfort zone and grown by leaps and bounds since then. I have been appreciating everything I have when I have it and soaking it all in. I wouldn't want it any other way.

I guess you could say I've learned to diversify my life and not to put too much stock in one thing; however, I still invest the majority of myself in everything that I do. (Now how do I translate that to my retirement fund?) I'm not even sure how to explain it, exactly, except I think it means I am living life to the fullest.

What now? Well, I'll keep appreciating all the good things I still have, exploring the many interests and places I haven't tried yet, and maintaining relationships with the people that are worth it. I'll continue to love and care for people as much as or even more than usual (without ignoring myself), and I will remain open to the possibilities that life offers. Eventually, I'll feel like meeting other guys, and hopefully, I'll meet someone who knows how to care about me the way I care about him (without extensive and frustrating amounts of training and misunderstandings). I think my biggest challenge will be finding someone that I decide is worth my time, since I have a pretty full life already.

I still wish Joel the best, but I'm afraid he's in for a lonely road ahead if he doesn't change his ways; however, I don't think he would mind that too much, either. I don't understand the merits of that way of life, but I am resigned to finally accept that about him. Letting go doesn't mean giving up, it means accepting that some things weren't meant to be. Now, I can be ready for something that is.