Process of paradoxy

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Right now, my state can only be described as temporary. I am between jobs, between apartments...my hand is between a brace. As it turns out, security is a state of mind, not a state of being. I have never felt so unstable and conflicted before, but I have also never been so acutely aware of my life. I do not have the will or the energy to suppress my feelings anymore, it seems, so I feel everything more intensly and all at once. I now fully acknowledge my feelings, evaluate them, and decide how to deal with them, instead of trying to ignore them or hold them back.

Somehow, I am losing control and gaining it at the same time. I am going with the flow but taking responsibility for what comes next. I am narrowing in on the things that are causing more harm than good and trying to let them go. In the midst of this mess, I am finding clarity. Life hangs in the balance of these contradictions.

Take it or leave it

My patience with everything seems to be running thin these days and my usual "wait and see" approach is turning into a "take it or leave it" attitude on several fronts. I'm prepared to tell it like it is, to your face (tactfully, I hope), but I expect you to do the same. I am not in the mood for unnecessary drama or immaturity from anyone.

Case in point: For the first time ever, I defended my mom against my aunt at a family thing last night. Now, I admit that I do not get along with my mom very well, and I usually play devil's advocate; however, my aunt flipped out for no reason. Things have been tense between my parents and this aunt since she secretly blew up at my dad in January (again mostly unfounded), but it had never come out into the open like this before. My parents were trying to stay out of it. I called her out on her b.s. in one simple statement and I have no remorse. Basically, I have no tolerance for petty, manipulative "adults," no matter who they are (that's not what I said).

I am also realizing (again) that I should only be surrounding myself with people that consistently show that they care about me. No use in trying to spend time with someone that can't give me the time of day. That person might not see my value, but there are plenty of other people that already do. I have options and I shouldn't put those on hold so I can "wait and see" about something else (applies to my job search, too). Step up or step aside.

My first love?

Confidence in myself has been fluctuating since the lay-off, but until recently it had been heading consistently downhill. I have a renewed sense of confidence in my abilities, though, and I owe it to a career workshop that I attended last week. I accomplished major things as an intern and junior art director that many senior level people cannot claim, and I should be proud of that. However, just when I was ready to dismiss the company for their bad choice and move on, I received an email from the head of the St. Louis office. His friend at MoBot is looking for a designer and he wanted me to apply; he thought it sounded like a good fit. So...that's nice of him. I'll try that.

Sadly, I'm realizing that I almost treated my job like a romantic relationship, which helps explain why I mostly avoided them in my personal life. I loved my job and it broke up with me, basically. I don't really regret the time that I put into it, though, because it made me a better person. It still wants me to succeed and it's trying to "set me up" with one of its friends, who might be better for me, anyway. I'll be more careful this time around and make sure I don't invest too much of my time into it, though. I guess you could say that I'm on the rebound. Weird. Well, maybe it's for the best.

One step at a time

This entire song pretty much sums up my life right now:

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus:]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

Thank you, Jon Stewart (and Eddie)

I. LOVE. THIS:


It totally calls republicans out on their double standard! There's even a cameo by the man I love to hate, Karl Rove. These people would be tearing Sarah Palin limb from limb (and parading her head around on a stick) if she were the democratic VP choice, no doubt about it. I completely agree, for example, that Palin's personal matters should not factor into her politics, but I'm also pretty sure that republicans thrive on that when the tables are turned. Plus, they accuse the "liberal media" of using the gender card when, in fact, that is obviously what they are doing?

Don't tell me this woman made the cut based on her qualifications (boobs do not count). I only see Sarah Palin as a front woman/yes-woman, much like Condolleeza Rice; if she truly had independent opinions and power (like Hillary Clinton), these men would not be so supportive. They think they're doing women a favor, but frankly, I am insulted. If they're going to appease women by putting one on the ballot, at least put someone there that is worth our admiration or respect (Elizabeth Dole?). As much as I would love to see a woman VP (or President), I want to see her there only because she is the best person for the job.

p.s. Eddie (from taiko) sent me the Daily Show link. He thought it was pointless for me to then post it because he claims he's the only one that reads my blogs...what nerve! :-P

Convention comedy marathon

I didn't see much of the democratic convention at all, but these are some quick impressions:

• Strong, intelligent women kind of stole the show. Go Michelle and Hillary!
  
• Joe Biden might not have been my pick, but I did catch his entire speech and he's not so bad after all.
  
• Okay, who invited God? Several politicians ended speeches with "God bless such and such" or "God bless America." Everyone knows that God only attends republican conventions.
  

Speaking of the republican convention:

• VP nominee Sarah Palin seems to be a cheap marketing ploy. McCain now officially has no right to speak about Obama's "lack of experience." I mean, just last month Palin actually asked, "What exactly does a VP do every day?" Don't worry, though, according to a reporter at Fox News, her proximity to Russia and Canada as Alaskan governor gives her meaningful foreign policy experience.
  
• Another reporter said 7 in 10 republicans still approve of Bush, which means that McCain's voting record (90% the same as Bush) could work to his advantage . . . I laughed nervously at what I can only assume to be a joke, and then I changed the channel.
  

Sponsored by Right Guard

I thought this was funny. Here are the ten phrases most likely to make a man break out in a sweat, as reported by Right Guard deodorant (America's most-trusted news source?):
1. We need to talk
2. The boss wants to see you now
3. I've had a bit of an accident
4. Can I borrow your credit card?
5. There's a leak (upstairs/in the bathroom etc)
6. Did you remember my birthday?
7. I've got something to tell you
8. You know that xxx (tenner/car/lawnmower etc) that you lent me?
9. You haven't forgotten we're going out tonight
10. Now I know it looks bad but...

Off the top of my head, mine would go something like this:
1. HR needs to talk to you
2. Can I have your number?
3. I've had a bit of an accident
4. Remember me?
5. Do you have a boyfriend?
6. Who needs designers? I know what I'm talking about. (This makes my blood boil, which then produces sweat)
7. What happened to that xxx (cd/money etc) that I lent you?
8. Don't take this the wrong way but...
9. Did you get that email/message?
10. Let me see it (portfolio, dance move, any number of things...).