Love lesson

Every third Wednesday of the month I try to go to a thing called "Theology At The Bottleworks." It's a group philosophy discussion at Schlafly that usually involves 40-100 people with extremely different opinions. Of course, I only sit and listen, but it always makes me think. Last week's topic was "The State of Marriage." I'm actually going to skim over the marriage part and just talk about my views of love here, though.

I'm not sure if you realize this, but I am sort of a self-taught sociologist. I am constantly reading or observing whatever I can find about the ways people relate to each other, because I want to know the hows and whys of everything. I gather that through random scientific, advice, and opinion articles on relationships (romantic, friendships, family, etc.) and human behavior as well as through observation. It doesn't even stop at humans, because we can learn things from animals, too. I am just constantly fascinated by it, and I think my "studies" have allowed me a pretty high emotional intelligence.

That being said, I think that people are developing a warped view of love. I can't blame them, really, because that frantic, all-consuming kind of love is constantly perpetuated and exploited in love songs and romantic comedies. I actually really enjoy that stuff, because it's better to promote love than hate, anyway, but it's not reality. For instance, I don't care who you are or what you have been through together, I don't think you can truly love someone after a few dates or even a few months. By that I mean, you can certainly love aspects of someone and the feelings they give you; you may love them in a certain way and even say that you love them, but it's not really true until you know and accept them fully. There is certainly a distinction between that romantic love in the beginning and that true love that holds marriages together until the end, but the movies don't usually follow what happens after that initial "love" wears off and they enter into the next stage. I guess if they did it might be rather mundane for outsiders, but I prefer to think of it as comfortable and mature.

Maybe I should impart my knowledge on the different "stages" that I just referred to. I know it's odd to take a scientific approach, especially for me, maybe, but as an honorary "social scientist," this makes the most sense to me. I think it's possible to take a practical and optimistic approach at the same time, so here we go: the initial stage of love, often exemplified in the media, is called "romantic love," or the infatuation stage. It's when you become obsessed with this other person and can even exhibit signs of obsessive compulsive disorder. Your brain releases endorphins that essentially drug you and you can't think clearly. It doesn't last forever, though, and it's actually a good thing because if it did, no one would get anything done. It can last anywhere from a week to about 3 years, and it's an evolutionary development designed to propagate the species. Many people are tricked into believing that this is supposed to be the love that they are striving for, and it certainly lends itself to a society of immediate gratification; however, this kind of love inevitably fizzles out. (Some people turn into "serial monogamists" because they get attached to this feeling and jump from relationship to relationship.)

Eventually, reality sets in and they "sober up," so to speak. They see that the other person has flaws and they think that person has changed, when it's mostly their own perspective that has changed. Some people decide they don't like this "new" person and break up, and others may question if it's still love but continue the relationship, anyway. If they continue, they start to settle into the attachment phase, and this is where the real work of a relationship comes in. They deal with unresolved childhood issues and really grow. Hopefully, they grow together and they end up in the final, deepest stage, known as "true love." They accept each other and fulfill that potential that they maybe thought they already reached in the infatuation stage. It's a mature understanding of love, and it is actually motivated by a subconscious drive for emotional healing from the scars of childhood (everyone has some). This person helps you complete your childhood and regain wholeness. It is said that this kind of love never dies, and I would like to believe that.

Now, I consider myself to be so in touch with my emotions and in control of them that I just never really let myself get carried away in that "romantic stage" in the way that others do. I constantly evaluate and try to rationalize my emotions, and I tend to glaze over or ignore things like that because it seems like...well, irrational nonsense, essentially. It's a blessing and a curse, I know. This does not mean I can't love, though. Maybe it means that because I am more practical and self-aware, I am able to cut through the illusions and love more deeply. My heart essentially has to agree with my head, and I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing. It just tends to take a long time to sync up, but I believe it will be worth it in the end.