Case study

Sometimes I have so much to say that I am rendered speechless. When it comes to talking about my feelings, especially, I wish I could just organize my thoughts in writing and hand it over. I am mostly in touch with my emotions on an abstract and unorganized level, and that does not bode well for verbal expression. I am more comfortable expressing my thoughts than my feelings, too, because thoughts are more easily digestible. I tend to view the world with equal parts logic and emotion, though, and only prefer one over the other when it is absolutely necessary.

My feelings toward people and relationships are often ambivalent, but people themselves are ambivalent, so that seems to be the key element of viewing them objectively. How else would I study them? :) At the same time, I have a driving force to be emotionally connected to them and to take care of their feelings, as well. In a weird way, I am often more comfortable with the feelings of others than I am with my own. I am actually invigorated when I can bring out someone else's most convoluted feelings and offer direction, whereas some people would tense up or would much rather run away from those situations. Many people are so concerned with talking that they forget to listen.

I am very comfortable and careful with the vulnerabilities of other people, but I am not used to sharing my own. I prefer to keep them under wraps, either out of fear that they will fall into the wrong hands and will be used against me, or concern that they could cause (what I deem) an unnecessary burden on someone else. I fall into a counselor role easily and anything else seems unnatural or forced. That would be like if you went to a therapy session and the psychologist started telling you her problems! I think I have a natural tendency to see into someone and bring out whatever needs healing, if that person is open to it. Unfortunately, most people cannot intuit my feelings in the same way, and that can be a point of frustration. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like almost everyone else is an open book and I am hard to read.

I recently found out that my sister is sort of like that, too, which is why she is considering a degree in psychology. As kids, we were always pretty close, I think, but for the past few years, we had not been getting along too well. Something has changed already since she has moved out of the house for college, though, and I would say that we are friends again. We are more alike than we used to admit and I am glad we can relate.

I think acknowledging and defining these things in writing are good starting points for myself. Maybe it offers you some insights, as well. Now I have to figure out where to go from here...