The future?

This was a weekend of contrasts. Two of my closest friends are going through completely different things and I was there for both of them. I spent the first couple days in southern Illinois with my roommate from college, trying on Maid of Honor dresses. I got to play dress up on Saturday because the bridesmaid samples were mostly in my size. We all agreed on a beautiful dress that looks good on all of us. The next couple days I drove to and from Kansas City with a friend that I've known forever, who is going through a significant breakup. We went to visit her roommate from college, who happened to be in town from Israel.

I am somewhere in between those situations, I guess. It has sure given me a lot think about, and we all know that I already think too much. Mainly, it reminds me that maybe I should start thinking about the future again. In some ways, since my layoff and everything else last year, I had given up on planning too much of anything. After all, almost nothing in my life right now has turned out as I "planned," and I'm still pretty happy. Maybe I'm afraid to trust those things again, after they fell apart.

I guess I can't expect to float along like this forever, though. I'm just not sure how it's possible to really plan a future--things happen, people change, circumstances change. It's not that I don't have goals, it's just that I don't put too much stock into them. Maybe at some point you decide that not knowing what will happen is worth the risk of planning it anyway? It's just like everything, though, if you wait to do it until you are sure that it's right, you probably won't do much of anything.

So what do I want from life, exactly? Well, it's hard to say. I have to admit, I don't even like guessing where I will be 5 years from now, much less "forever." I should have some guidelines, and I suppose I do, but they're pretty vague. For some reason, I don't think I have ever really imagined myself with the husband, dog, 2.5 kids, and nice house with a white picket fence by the time I'm 30. It seems I have always been more interested in seeing the world, advancing my career, and pursuing my interests than rushing to the altar and starting a family; however, those two lifestyles are not mutually exclusive, necessarily. I'm just saying that while I always assumed that someday I would get married and possibly have a child, if there's time, it has never been the ultimate, final goal of my life. As much as I love (other people's) kids, too, I'm not even completely sure that having one is a requirement. If I decide that I desperately want one and am too old, there's always adoption. I don't know how life will play itself out, but somehow I know I'll be okay--hopefully better than okay.

My life is pretty balanced now, so I have plenty of hobbies and people to fall back on if one area falls apart. I have learned not to pin my hopes and dreams on one particular thing for two main reasons: 1. I miss out on everything else that I should be enjoying, and 2. If that particular thing goes away, it is devastating. I would like to say "all things in moderation" is my motto, but it's probably closer to "go big or go home." Instead of putting all my energy into one area, though, I spread it around to many areas so that I am running on all cylinders. Of course, that can lead to burnout, but I'd rather burn out from living too much than working too much (which used to be the case).

I think it comes down to this: opportunities are rare, good friends are rare, love is rare, so grab them when they come by and don't think about what happens when they end; whenever anything ends, something new begins. Who knows? Whatever comes next might even be better than before.